Covert Marketing

From: White House Chief of Staff Andrew Card

To: Department heads

Re: Armstrong Williams

Giving money to journalists to promote administration policies is going so well that the president wants to expand the initiative. The boss heard recently about corporations paying “hottie” models to buy particular brands of alcohol in bars or even hiring ordinary folks to praise a brand of mustard or athletic shoe at a neighbor’s party. The president wants the following departments to immediately adopt this cutting-edge, entrepreneurial approach to selling the administration’s policies:

* Treasury: Social Security is so -- C-SPAN2. Enlist young, well, hotties to talk up the sex appeal of “personal investment accounts.”

* Energy: Buy a fleet of Toyota Prius hybrids and have young hotties drive them to clubs covered with bumper stickers reading: “My Other Car Is a Hummer -- and It Needs Arctic Oil.”

* Immigration and Naturalization: Infiltrate “The Apprentice.” Every time the teams go to the board room, have a super-hot hottie whine: “Gee, Mr. Trump, we would have made a profit if there’d been more low-wage Mexican guest workers around!”

* State: To counter anti-American sentiment in France, hire mimes to roam Paris, actOing out scenes from Jerry Lewis movies -- hottie mimes.

-- Jacob Heilbrunn