There Will Always Be an England

‘It always seems to be raining in England, so people tend to go to a pub and get drunk instead of staring out the window at the rain,” says Phill Dutton, a 40-year-old house painter from Chester, England. Dutton’s hypothesis makes sense enough. Except Dutton isn’t sitting in a pub in dreary England. Dutton and his paint-splattered work crew are sipping pints and splitting a pile of chips, a.k.a. French fries, at Ye Olde King’s Head pub in sunny, cloudless Santa Monica.

Located on Santa Monica Boulevard a block west of 3rd Street, the dimly lighted King’s Head is the pub equivalent of Times Square or Milan’s central square: If you want to know what a Brit expat thinks about the subway bombings, Tony Blair, the takeover of Manchester United, the heir and the spare, where to score Marmite or the best local fertilizer for English roses, then opinions spoken in the myriad accents of the British Isles can be had gratis or for the price of a pint.

At the King’s Head, faux merry old England meets antiquish SoCal mini-mall. In the back of the pub, a group of Brits crowds around two dartboards and tabulates scores on a giant chalkboard. Signs for Bass, Beefeater, Guinness and other British libations hang behind the bar, where older British ladies smile and chat with Dutton and other regulars as they serve pints.

The only clue this bar is in Santa Monica is the walls of head shots and snapshots of celebs mugging with patrons and bar staff. The King’s Head, and other British pubs like it throughout Los Angeles, teleport expatriates into a Brit-tinged universe that centers on conversation and good-natured ribbing.

“The most important thing about the pub is to drink. You start when you’re 14 and never stop,” says 45-year-old Phill Richer, who originally hails from Manchester. He’s at least half-kidding. The British are known not only for their love of beer, but also for elevating self-deprecation, curmudgeonly cynicism, irony and verbal swordplay to a high art that’s on display seven nights a week in British pubs in L.A. and around the world.

“Even the people back home know about the King’s Head in Santa Monica,” Richer says. “When they come over here, they always drop in. The thing that’s great about this place is that it’s like home. Most people go to American bars just to get smashed. But this place you can get smashed and enjoy yourself because of the camaraderie.” That means patrons spend a lot of time arguing about their favorite topic--football, a game known to us Yanks as soccer.

“Chelsea!” yelps a tall expat wearing the jersey of his favorite football club, as Dutton’s 21-year-old nephew, Stuart Cartwright, and Richer burst into the Manchester United fight song. A wiry, tough-looking bloke with closely cropped gray hair spins around on his bar stool and holds out his forearm to display the faded blue lettering of an old tattoo. It reads “Millwall,” the name of the football club he supports. “I’m Stubbsy, the lover man. And I’m a Millwall supporter, so watch out.”

With a slap to Stubbsy’s back, Cartwright says, “He was here before Columbus got here. He’s like the granddad of the pub.” “If you’re a United fan, you’re a red ‘til you’re dead,” says Richer, and they all hoist their pints.

Cartwright and Stubbsy turn back to the bar and their chips, but the Chelsea supporter isn’t done yet. “Chelsea!” he screams again, and out comes the verbal artillery to launch a few more rounds in the never-ending, ever-expanding football debate. It doesn’t matter if these lads have been gone from the motherland six months or 20 years, they’re British to the core and, unlike some immigrants, have no aspirations of becoming more American.

“King’s Head is our local, because it reminds me of home,” says Cartwright. Like his red-coat comrades, he has left England behind, but he’s brought his sense of humor with him. “It serves English beer--even though I’m drinking a Grolsch.”

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Ye Olde King’s Head

116 Santa Monica Blvd., Santa Monica; (310) 451-1402

The Fox and Hounds

11100 Ventura Blvd., Studio City;

(818) 763-7976

Brittania Pub

318 Santa Monica Blvd., Santa Monica; (310) 458-5350

The Cat & Fiddle

6530 W. Sunset Blvd., Hollywood; (323) 468-3800