Actually, You Can Judge a Magazine by Its Cover

There were a couple of copies of Distinction, a magazine on “the Southern California lifestyle,” on my desk when I arrived for work with notes attached from people who thought I might be interested.

Across the top of the magazine there were mini headlines, the first being “Sultry Summer Fashion,” so I took it for granted that maybe Salma Hayek was modeling swimsuits inside, which would explain why someone thought I might be interested.

The next headline was “Racy Days at Del Mar,” and I thought maybe trainer Jeff Mullins might be inside modeling a swimsuit for the gambling addicts and idiots who frequent Del Mar. I would certainly find that amusing.

The final headline was “Meet the Morons,” and while I wondered why that had anything to do with me, I looked below at the huge picture of Frank and Jamie McCourt on the cover of the magazine.

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THE McCOURTS were smiling, which struck me as odd. If someone called me a “moron,” I wouldn’t be smiling. In fact, I can speak from experience on that.

Frank was holding a baseball in one hand and the Screaming Meanie in the other, because you never know when she’s going to pop off. Across them the magazine had superimposed another headline: “Is This The Hottest Team In Town?”

I’d like to meet the morons who dreamed that one up, so I looked inside and discovered that it’s a “Tribune publication” and located in the Times building. That leads me to believe the same people who own The Times might own this magazine, which would of course exclude them from being morons. Please, don’t press me further on this subject.

I paged through the magazine to find the Meet the Morons’ story only to learn it had something to do with “a society of rebel-spirited intellects,” which obviously had nothing to do with the McCourts.

The McCourts’ story, “The McCourts Score,” was on Page 82 along with another picture of Frank and Jamie, this time Frank holding a bat in one hand and the other on the Screaming Meanie because you never know....

My first question might have been something like, “Why have you ruined the Dodger franchise?” but for the magazine, writer Eric Lax asked, “You bought the team, you come to your first game, you’re sitting in the sunshine, did you pinch yourself?”

I guess Lax didn’t get the chance to talk to the McCourts last year.

“No,” he had not pinched himself, but “[Jamie] pinched me,” Frank said, and you won’t have to remind me to never sit next to her.

The interview continued like that with Lax grilling the McCourts.

“Do you ever go up and get a Dodger Dog?” he wanted to know.

I might’ve asked, “When are you going to keep your promise and deliver a $100-million payroll?” or “Strapped for cash like you folks are, how come Frank bought a home for $20-some million and Jamie bought one next door for another $6 million or so?”

Instead, Lax asked: “Do you think that what you’re doing is going to be a model for other clubs?”

“In what way?” the Screaming Meanie wanted to know, and for the first time I can ever recall, we’re in agreement.

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THE HOTTEST team in town? Yeah, as long as the Dodgers are playing the Padres.

The McCourts’ commitment to excellence now sits 5 1/2 games behind San Diego, which was missing its first baseman, All-Star second baseman, center fielder and catcher.

The Dodgers were missing starters Milton Bradley and Jose Valentin, a .194 hitter who has been replaced by a .339 hitter in Antonio Perez. Every other projected starter before the season began was in the lineup, making the guys powerhouses by NL West standards.

No question, things are looking up for the Dodgers, who get to play San Diego again tonight. J.D. Drew never made a move to pick up a bat in Anaheim with the game on the line Saturday and Sunday, but driving up the freeway, he apparently made a pit stop at Lourdes, started against the Padres and went two for two, with two walks.

Don’t know why he couldn’t have made a cameo appearance 27 hours earlier with the game on the line against a really good team, but be happy -- it’s a miracle and he’s back. Two more and he qualifies for sainthood.

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THE OTHER day I mentioned that Michael Irvin was going to be a guest tonight for NFL 101/201, an annual L.A. event that draws fans interested in learning more about football from experts such as Bill Walsh, Ronnie Lott and Warren Moon.

Irvin received free first-class airfare but then insisted on using a different airline. He got it. Then he wanted a first-class ticket for a traveling companion, got it, but then wanted those arrangements changed. Done deal. He was given a free room in the Four Seasons but insisted upon a suite. Got it. Then he demanded a free room for a friend. Got it.

He was given a limo for the event, but his agent wanted the limo for Irvin’s use all day. Before he got it, Irvin’s agent called back to say he was pulling out of the event, telling officials they had asked Irvin to be a guest but were not treating him like a guest.

“He doesn’t feel welcome, and it will affect his performance,” Irvin’s agent, Susan Haber, told the folks at NFL 101/201.

Haber didn’t return a message Monday, but on a bright note, the folks attending NFL 101/201 have already gotten their first lesson on what it’s like dealing with king-size egos in football. And Irvin didn’t even have to show up.

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TODAY’S LAST word comes in e-mail from Kirk Gibson, a.k.a. Steve Dale:

“I don’t see what the big stink is over Drew sitting out several games with a sore knee. It’s not like we’re used to seeing Adrian Beltre play a season with bone spurs, Shawn Green play with shoulder pain or Eric Gagne pitching his arm off. What’s the big deal?”

This could mean Drew is here to stay.