Objection -- too many punch lines

Good news for the Michael Jackson trial. With the possible inclusion of Jay Leno as a defense witness, gossip has it that celebrities are lining up to be a part of what is sure to be the best-covered event in post-Oscar history.

I have it on good authority that Leno, America’s pixie darling of late-night TV, is already working on an opening monologue that, while it will no doubt lead to objections by the prosecution, will be allowed by the court.

In response, members of the David Letterman camp are said to be trying to tie up a deal with Superior Court Judge Darlene Schempp to be included in the fading days of the Robert Blake murder trial.

Unfortunately for Letterman, however, even if he is successful in bringing his brand of humor, including stupid lawyer tricks, to L.A., he has already been upstaged by a witness against Blake, a cokehead who once hallucinated that cops were tunneling under his home and that he was being observed from outer space by extraterrestrials.

The likelihood is, however, that at some point this is bound to be a contest between Leno and Letterman, with the edge going to the former. That is because Jackson, however untwinkled his star, is still a big name, while hardly anyone remembers the series “Baretta,” in which Blake and a cockatoo named Fred ruled the small screen.

One wonders exactly which celebrities will make it to the red carpet leading to the Santa Maria courthouse where Jackson is being tried and, of course, what they’ll be wearing. My understanding is that Superior Court Judge Rodney Melville will not allow more than two-thirds of a woman’s bosom to be revealed in the courtroom at any one time, which would disallow many of the gowns already being planned for the trial.

“Entertainment Tonight,” or “E.T.” to the cognoscenti, has won exclusive rights to the show, er, trial after promising the D.A. an undisclosed amount of royalties and an unchaperoned lunch date with Halle Berry.

Along with rights to the trial, “E.T.” has also been granted permission to build a sound stage on the street in front of the courthouse to conduct interviews with both the stars of the trial and those appearing in guest roles. It cannot be confirmed, but Martin Scorsese, even though never an Oscar winner, has been hired to direct.

Normally, a trial held outside of Los Angeles rarely has the drawing power of one going on simultaneously in L.A. However, Mayor Pro Tem Little Jimmy Hahn, in a desperate effort to expand the rights of the city beyond its boundaries, has asked the state to rename the site of the Jackson trial Santa Barbara of Los Angeles, following the lead of the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim.

This just in: Oscar winner Hilary Swank, who tentatively had agreed to testify in the Jackson trial when it could be determined whose side she was on, has announced that she will not be a part of it. She offered no explanation, but I have learned through legitimate sources at the bar at Ivy at the Shore that Judge Melville had informed her that he would not allow her to wear the gown she wore at the Academy Awards ceremony because it was too low in the back.

Swank, it is said, regarded this as an infringement on her civil rights, pointing to the amount of cleavage allowed on the opposite side of many of the approved gowns. If others are allowed to reveal two-thirds of their breasts, she is said to contend, then she ought to be allowed to reveal an equal amount of her behind if she so desires.

A former federal magistrate hired by CNN as an expert on criminal law speculated that Swank has raised a valid constitutional issue regarding the importance of bosom versus posterior and that the issue is likely to be decided by the U.S. Supreme Court.

Meanwhile, Manny Manaheim, the famed celebrity agent rumored to have once been romantically involved with a well-known Oscar-winning actress (who insists they were just good friends who slept together once in a while), is attempting to broker a quick deal with producers of the Blake trial in which Swank would be allowed to reveal one-third of her bottom. A compromise appears to be near.

Even so, smart money is still on the Jackson trial to draw more interest than Blake’s less glamorous legal proceeding, unless its producers come up with something more interesting than either Swank’s bottom or a guy being stalked by space aliens. Half of L.A. can claim that.

I can hardly wait for the specials that will be produced by the two camps after the trials are over. Whether the actors, I mean the defendants, are convicted is inconsequential, even though a murder, alleged child molestation and serious prison time are involved. It’s the star quality that counts.

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Al Martinez’s column appears Mondays and Fridays. He can be reached at al.martinez@latimes.com.