Jim: Loosen Up, Lose Janice

Black won’t do. The car has to be red.

A sporty red convertible.

It’s late in the game, and Los Angeles Mayor Jim Hahn appears to be in big trouble as he tries to hold on to his job. It’s time for him to loosen the tie, get some product, do a complete makeover.

Hahn made a desperate attempt last week, trying to pass himself off as a maverick outsider. But given his family’s 60 years in local politics, the idea didn’t quite take root.

I never would have seen this coming, but I’m developing a soft spot for the guy. Challenger Antonio Villaraigosa is getting by on nothing but the fact that he isn’t Jim Hahn, so I think it’s only right for someone to give Hahn some advice.

First thing the mayor should do in his new convertible, top down, hair spiked, is go find his political advisors and fire them. They have no idea what they’re doing, not that it’s entirely their fault.

Nobody has any idea how to run a campaign because nobody has any idea how to run Los Angeles. More than ever, the city is unmanageable, indefinable and not interested.

Of the 2.7 million voting-age Angelenos, about 1.5 million are registered to cast ballots. Of those, three-fourths didn’t show up for the mayoral primary.

“I just found out about the election last night,” I overheard one guy say at Taylor’s steakhouse on election night, explaining to his parents why he hadn’t voted.

The guy who arguably ran the smartest campaign finished out of the running. Bob Hertzberg, despite having been speaker of the state Assembly, suffered because nobody knew who he was. Had he been the weekend weather guy on local TV, he would have been lighting cigars by now, victory in the bag.

Institutions that hold other cities together don’t exist in Los Angeles. Brown people now live where black people once lived. Westsiders know more about the mayor of New York. Old alliances have eroded and political endorsements are meaningless, although Villaraigosa got a decent nudge last week from congresswoman Maxine Waters in another blow to Hahn.

And the most well-informed Angelenos all happen to be living in Pasadena, so they can’t vote.

These realities are part of the exotic and exasperating allure of L.A., a city like no other. But it’s not easy to be mayor of a laboratory experiment in which 3.7 million mice are on the loose, several hundred thousand of them still wishing they’d seceded.

When Villaraigosa talks about bringing the city together, it’s like saying he wants to bring the Balkans and the Middle East together. When, how and why?

But at least he knows how to play the game.

It’s L.A., so we don’t mind being lied to. For instance, Villaraigosa says he’s going to build the world’s greatest mass-transit system. There’s a better chance of Keanu Reeves becoming an astronaut, but it doesn’t matter.

Would you rather hear about Villaraigosa’s subways and trains, or Hahn’s left-turn lanes and his Hal Bernson endorsement?

Listen to me, Jim. Time is running out, and desperate measures are called for. As I said, you’ve got to really work at it to get the city’s attention.

Play the bad boy, the bon vivant, the dreamer.

Fall in love with a stripper, fire all the commissioners, get a shovel and fill those potholes yourself.

I saw you do the Slauson shuffle at Tolliver’s barber shop, so I know you’ve got a couple of moves the public hasn’t seen.

First thing you’ve got to do is ditch the stealth black SUV because it’s looking more and more like a hearse. Get yourself the red convertible, drive like the devil and repeat after me:

I have to stop dating my sister.

I have to stop dating my sister.

I have to stop dating my sister.

Janice is nice enough, and the family bond is heartwarming, up to a point. But you’ve got to bring a few other sweets to the dance.

You’re mayor of Los Angeles, and you were sitting up in the rafters at the Oscars, a good-looking single lad like you. Do you have any idea how many starlets and wannabes are on the loose in this town?

Lie to them if you have to. They’re not going to recognize you anyway. Just say you’re a producer.

Better yet, steal the convertible, if not the girl, and lead the police on a long, slow chase. For once, all of Los Angeles will be watching the mayor’s every move.

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Steve Lopez writes Sunday, Wednesday and Friday. Reach him at steve.lopez@latimes.com