To Get a Yes for Prom Date, Say No to Simply Asking

Prom season was fast approaching, and Rose Tamayo had been hinting to her friend Kevin Shah that simply asking her to the event wasn’t going to be enough to get a yes. She wanted something grander.

But even she was surprised by what happened next.

Kevin, with the aid of three buddies, used a student assembly at Sunny Hills High School in Fullerton to pop the question.

In front of 300 students, they lip-synced to a recorded song, paused for a moment on stage, then unveiled T-shirts, each emblazoned with a letter of the word R-O-S-E. Next they turned around to show off the letters of P-R-O-M on the seats of their pants. And as the audience clapped and cheered, Kevin leaned down and handed Rose a bouquet.

Rose never did get around to saying yes -- at least in public. “I didn’t really say much,” she said. “Everybody already knew. So I just stood up and gave him a hug.”

Inviting a date to the prom has never been easy. The sweaty palms, the stomach knotted by fear and anxiety. The nervous questions, muttered sotto voce, followed by equally breathless answers.

But that was then. Like many things prom-related, inviting a date to a prom has emerged as a serious game of one-upmanship in which only the creative survive. Just as mom’s station wagon gave way to the limousine and, in turn, the stretch SUV -- and just as homemade frocks have been replaced by gowns fit for a Hollywood starlet on a red carpet -- prom invitations have gone deluxe.

In manners previously reserved for marriage proposals, teens place notes in fortune cookies, make videos, burn CDs -- all to lure that special someone to dress up and dance. They plan their strategy for months, consulting friends for advice and support, enlisting aid from their teachers and classmates.

Prom-related websites and magazines add to the hype, celebrating the creative invite and offering suggestions to those lacking imagination. And teens, mostly boys, say they feel increasing pressure to measure up. This year, they say, it’s even worse.

A student at Esperanza High School in Anaheim designed an elaborate scavenger hunt, leaving clues at each of his date’s classes throughout the school day, each one giving more clues to his identity.

A Temple City boy froze his invitation inside a 2-pound block of ice.

It’s all a sign of the times, said Richard Calo, author of “The First Book of Prom” and creator of the website ThePromSite.com.

“It’s been growing like crazy,” he said. “A lot of it has to do with the importance kids are placing on the prom itself.... [Kids] will plan something very elaborate, and ask way ahead of time.”

An over-the-top invitation is another example of the continued elevation of the prom and its importance, said Amy L. Best, an assistant professor of sociology at George Mason University in Virginia and the author of “Prom Night: Youth, Schools and Popular Culture.” A multimillion-dollar industry has sprung up around prom, hawking dresses, tuxedos, limousine rides and more, and reinforcing prom’s image as the transforming night of a high schooler’s life, a chance to play grown-up with all of the requisite bells and whistles.

But some educators and parents worry that over-the-top prom invitations place undue pressure, and expense, on students.

Mo Hurlbutt, the mother of five children ages 13 to 23, joked that the elaborateness of invitations to formal dances, including prom, can be “borderline crazy.”

One of her daughters was invited to prom by a boyfriend who filled her bedroom with balloons. Another was asked by a boy after a comedy sketch onstage.

“It’s almost become part of their culture,” said Hurlbutt, a La Canada Flintridge resident.

“It’s a little intimidating for the guys,” Hurlbutt said. “Personally, I don’t know what’s wrong with a phone call. But I have been out of high school for many years.”

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Increasingly these days, an invitation itself is just not enough.

Kurtis Chan, 18, of Temple City High School said he decided to go with a creative invitation largely because “I knew I’d get a yes. That’s why you do it. It’s for sure. It’s a little kicker.”

For Kurtis, the “kicker” involved enlisting the aid of two friends from his church to pull off an elaborate invitation. The friends delivered a bouquet to Yvonne Lucas, a junior he describes as a friend, and a note saying “Follow me.”

Yvonne went with them to the school parking lot, where Kurtis was waiting by his car. There -- in a scene that Kurtis said he borrowed from the movie “Love Actually” -- Kurtis used a series of preprinted 5-by-7 cards to greet her. The last card told her, “Since I haven’t talked to you for a while, here’s to breaking the ice.”

That was the moment when Kurtis’ friends brought out a heart-shaped block of ice, with a note buried inside. Kurtis handed Yvonne a hammer to break open the block.

“She did it pretty easily,” he said. “She read [the note], and I received a yes.”

Kurtis said that he didn’t mean to make his prom invitation quite so public. But about a dozen schoolmates happened to see Yvonne break the ice block, he said. And word about the invitation spread around campus. It was even mentioned in the school newspaper.

“It’s my last year,” said the high school senior. “I want to make my year unique, and this is something I can tell my kids. If I have a son, I can give him some tips or something. That’s basically my reason.”

Prom invitations, author Calo said, fall into categories. Some are object-focused: The girl who filled her date’s bathtub with rubber ducks, for example, each one holding a letter for a puzzle he had to unscramble. Others have romantic appeal, usually involving roses or stuffed animals. Then there is the public display, such as the teenager who stood on the center table of his cafeteria, or the one who commandeered his school’s intercom. And then, there’s the public humiliation route, such as the boy who dressed up in just a Speedo and goggles to ask out his date, a swimmer.

At school and online, teens dissect the details of their prom experience -- starting with the nature of the invitation itself.

ThePromSite.com features 18 pages of teens, mostly girls, swooning online under the heading “Got Asked?” Most are girls clearly besotted with the idea of prom night as the height of romanticism. But boys aren’t the only ones doing the asking.

Cynthia Takahashi had no problem inviting a date for San Marino High School’s prom. But she said she felt the pressure to make the invitation special. “Everybody else is asking in such creative ways,” said Cynthia, 18.

She enlisted the help of Tony’s Pizza, next door to her high school. The parlor delivered a pizza to her date, Justin Farrar, with a handwritten note on the box -- “Would you go to” -- and inside P-R-O-M spelled out in pepperoni.

When the pizza arrived, Justin thought it was a mistake. “It was really weird,” he said. “I didn’t order a pizza. The guy didn’t make me pay. He said, ‘Don’t worry. I got it.’ I thought he was giving me the pizza. When I opened the pizza, I thought, ‘Oh that’s cool.’ ... I thought it was an awesome way to ask me to prom.”

Michael Scottibelli, the owner of Tony’s Pizza, said that he gets one or two such requests each year. “The kids are having fun with it,” he said.

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Back at Sunny Hills High School, Rose Tamayo said her date Kevin Shah’s musical proposal in front of the high school assembly was just what she wanted.

Rose said that she and her friends had hoped for prom invitations that were inventive -- and public. “We wanted other people to see and to talk about it,” she said.

Kevin knew that and said he had little choice but to choreograph the onstage invitation.

“It feels like you have to do it, because everyone has to do it,” Kevin said. “Prom in general costs a lot.... One of my friends spent $100 just asking someone to prom. He brought in expensive roses and balloons and two teddy bears, and put it in her classroom for the next period.”

For Rose, the thrill of her onstage invitation has yet to wear off. She and Kevin are making plans for their prom later this month at the Westin Long Beach. The theme of the night is “The Greatest Story Ever Told.” Rose will wear a hot pink dress. Kevin’s uncle is picking them up in a Bentley.