The Driver’s Foolhardiness Knows No Boundaries

For your Not-So-Brilliant-Excuses file, consider the motorist who was arrested in L.A. on suspicion of drunk driving after being spotted holding an open beer bottle.

“I saw you,” the motorist told the cop, according to the Thin Blue Line, a police publication, “but thought you were Beverly Hills P.D. or sheriff’s and you couldn’t do anything.”

Not-So-Brilliant Excuses, Part II: Then there was the driver who was pulled over for failing to yield right of way to a pedestrian in a crosswalk. He growled to an officer, “I pay your salary. Don’t you have anything better to do?” Oh, yeah, the pedestrian in the crosswalk was pushing a baby carriage.

Spooky sermons too? Bob Sell observed that a list of hymns for one Southland church’s service inadvertently acquired a Halloween theme Sunday (see accompanying).

Like pulling teeth: Those who have phobias about visiting a dentist -- or a car rental agency -- wouldn’t be comforted by the juxtaposition of signs spotted by Elizabeth Johnston of Granada Hills (see photo).

Building your vocabulary: On a restaurant’s construction sign, Larry Peyton of Signal Hill noticed a new word that you’d better not try using in Scrabble (see photo).

Adventures in the English language [cont.]: Just before it melted down, I visited the Movieland Wax Museum in Buena Park and noticed that one sign said a dummy of Kevin Costner was wearing “an authentic reproduction” of the breastplate he wore in “Dances With Wolves.” Authentic reproduction? Reminds me of the late Oscar Levant’s line about Hollywood: “Strip away the phony tinsel in Hollywood and you’ll find the real tinsel underneath.”

Duh! Department: The Times reported the other day that Malibu officials are distributing brochures advising residents not to try to ride giant waves after an earthquake. Maybe they’re afraid some addled citizen will attempt to duplicate the feat of the Peter Fonda character in the 1996 disaster flick “Escape From L.A.” He jumps on his board and rides a big one down Sunset Boulevard after uttering the famous last words: “Tsunami -- bitchin’!”

miscelLAny: As for the Times story about an antlered deer that romped through two upscale shops in the Georgetown neighborhood of Washington, D.C., Alan Fine of Beverly Hills writes: “Didn’t the stupid animal know that there is nothing in upscale stores for a buck?”

Steve Harvey can be reached at (800) LATIMES, Ext. 77083, by fax at (213) 237-4712, by mail at Metro, L.A. Times, 202 W. 1st St., L.A. 90012 and by e-mail at steve.harvey@latimes.com.