Way out on a limb

WHEN YOU WORK for the media, people are always asking you to write about their little problems. My grandmother’s condo is being overcharged for pool repairs; my father’s local A&P; plays bait and switch with its sale items; “Scooter” Libby is being annoyed by yet another pesky diplomat.

Sadly, I have to ignore these people’s personal traumas because they bore me. So when Les Firestein, a writer I work with on a sitcom, pulled me aside to tell me about some squabble he was having with his Brentwood neighbor over a treehouse he was building, I stopped listening around the phrase, “Hey, Joel.”

For a month, however, I’d been dependent on Les for advice on buying a new house. So I sent my editor an e-mail about the treehouse issue, which I figured would be ignored and get me out of my obligation -- much like how our intelligence agencies operate.

So I was a little surprised when, instead of being buried in the middle of the California section, a huge story about Les’ treehouse appeared on the front page of the Los Angeles Times.

And it’s not like it was a slow news day. Above the photo of Les’ treehouse was a giant headline about the 2,000th U.S. military death in Iraq. If it had been the day before, Les’ article would have come with an analysis sidebar from Ron Brownstein.

I got a lot more freaked out when Les called to say he’d be late for work that morning because the Channel 2, Channel 7 and Channel 9 camera crews were camped out on his front door, a helicopter was flying over his yard and he was being interviewed for the “Today” show. “Good Morning America” was upset it had missed out on the national exclusive.

By the next day, the story had been picked up by the BBC, MSNBC and most local papers and nightly news shows.

At a party I went to, people were talking about it. VH1 listed the architect, Roderick Romero, as No. 12 on the upcoming “Fabulous 40 for 2006.” It was as if every cranny of the world was whispering to me, “Why would you turn down the opportunity to cover a battle over a child’s play area? Do you not have room in your house for a Pulitzer?”

I realized that after a dozen years of working in the media, I have no idea how the business works. I needed to figure out exactly what made the treehouse grab the public’s attention so I could understand how the media work and sell out more effectively. If I needed to, I was going to be the beat reporter for babies, dogs and days-of-above-100-degree heat. Unless that means getting reassigned to the Valley.

I called the treehouse architect, who had ducked away from the camera crews that morning as they rushed him, yelling, “No comment, please!” because, he said, “I had seen that in movies.” Romero had a long explanation for why the story was such a big deal, an explanation that involved people’s interest in the Patriot Act and how, in our society, “you’re guilty until proven innocent now in America.” Romero is a guy who makes treehouses for a living.

I think it’s because, in an age of extravagant materialism, we love a story about rich people spending money ridiculously. A restaurant can get a lot of free advertising by serving a $1,000 omelet.

And the Romero treehouse, which appears in the “fantasy gifts” section of the Neiman Marcus Christmas catalog (which is itself designed to get exactly this type of attention), lists at $50,000. It mentions that this sort of treehouse is also owned by Sting and Donna Karan.

We love these stories because they make us feel better about our own overspending. Because while you’re replacing a perfectly good TV with a flat screen, you can feel better that at least you’re not dumb enough to pay the cost of two cars for a kid’s treehouse.

The worst part is, now everyone at work thinks I can solve their petty squabbles, as if I’ve got the world’s lamest super power.

The day after Les’ story broke, another writer, Hayes Jackson, took me aside at work and told me that, because of construction on Santa Monica Boulevard, traffic is cutting through his previously quiet street, Holman Avenue.

Which I print right here. I’m not taking any chances on this.