Bicycling in L.A. Is Wheely Scary

Chris Ayres, the L.A. correspondent for the Times of London, makes no secret of his disdain for bicyclists here:

“There’s something insufferable about their tight, inappropriately bulging shorts; their skinny, hairless legs; and the way they cut between gridlocked traffic and mount the pavement whenever it suits them. Not to mention the unbearable smugness that comes from saving the planet while staying fit at the same time.”

So, why did Ayres recently take up bicycle riding? Two reasons: “My growing waistline [and] the tripling of petrol prices.” But becoming one of “the free, the brave, the suicidal” -- at least on surface streets -- proved too nerve-racking.

So, he wrote, “I bought a bicycle rack for my SUV. And now I cycle the proper Los Angeles way: by strapping my bike to my car, and driving it to the beach, where it is safe to ride.”

Easy rider: Ayres noted in passing that one bicyclist who still braves the roads is “a homeless man who spends his days riding in loops around West Hollywood, shouting obscenities at anyone he sees. The locals who sit outside Red Rock Saloon on Sunset Boulevard cheer him on as he passes. He offers them a gloved middle finger in return.”

Guide to Adventurous Dining: Today’s specials du column (see accompanying) include:

* A stewed spouse (sighted in Berne, Switzerland, by Terry Kirker of Whittier),

* A “Brooklyn breakfast” that a restaurant fixes its way (Bill Bunyan of Venice),

* Some braised walls (Lillian McCain of Northridge),

* And finally, some doughy puppies (Gerry Smith of Menifee).

Gray’s Anatomy doesn’t mention it: In the police log of the Los Alamitos News-Enterprise, Julie Teramoto of Cypress read about someone reportedly being punched “in the rear upstairs unit.”

Commented Teramoto: “I’ve never been punched in the rear upstairs unit, but I bet it smarts.”

miscelLAny: Did you see where UCLA announced that its cadaver donation program, which had been suspended because employees were allegedly selling body parts for personal profit, will reopen in the next few days? Just in time for Halloween!

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Steve Harvey can be reached at (800) LATIMES, Ext. 77083, by fax at (213) 237-4712, by mail at Metro, L.A. Times, 202 W. 1st St., L.A. 90012, and by e-mail at steve.harvey@latimes.com.