Want a deduction for true love? Try itemizing
NOW that income tax season’s coming to an end, it’s time to settle up some other, more important accounts. Namely, your love life.
Consider: Does your boyfriend owe you a romance “refund”? Or do you owe him? Confusing, I know. That’s why I developed this all-new, easy-to-use IRS (Internal Relationship Service) form:
FORM 1040H (Heartache)
Filing Status
Check only one box.
1. Single
2. Lonely
3. Depressed (Do not check this box if someone else can claim you as the person who’s depressing them.)
4a. Tired of dating selfish people (Please list their names and cellphone numbers on line 4b so that we may periodically call and disturb them.)
5a. Settled for a total loser (Enter on line 5b the number of months you’ve wasted.) This number cannot exceed 12. If it does, please do the worksheet on Schedule SE (Self-Esteem).
Exemptions
Check all that apply.
6a. Yourself
6b. Your boyfriend
6c. His wife (Surprise!)
6d. Her lawyer
6e. Your boyfriend’s kids (Uh-oh!)
6f. Dr. Phil
Income
7. Flowers, jewelry, passionate kisses, fun dates, vacations, stuffed animals, adventures, etc. Attach receipts for overseas travel, but only if he paid.
8a. Number of times he told you he loves you.
8b. Number of times this took place during sex.
8c. If line 8b is anywhere close to line 8a, you must fill out Form L (Lust).
9. Occasions he actually put your needs ahead of his own without receiving a specified reward (see line 8b).
10a. Days you woke up, thought of him and smiled.
10b. Days this happened thanks to anti-depressants.
10c. Subtract line 10b from line 10a. If zero, please attach Schedule Z (Zoloft).
11a. Nights he spent caring for you while you didn’t feel so well.
11b. Number of times you asked him to pick up a prescription on a rainy night at 3 a.m. Only include if he did it without whining.
12a. Hours he spent on the phone with you just because you “wanted to talk.”
12b. Minutes he spent doing this in excess of his monthly calling plan.
12c. Multiply line 12b by 45 cents. (Do not include free night and weekend minutes.) If total is more than $100, he needs to upgrade his calling plan.
13. Add lines 7 through 12c. This is the total amount he loves you.
Deductions
14. Deduction for child-care expenses (This includes every time he acted like a big baby).
15. Deduction for the times he forgot your birthday.
16. Did he really forget your birthday? That’s so thoughtless!
17. Honestly, we wouldn’t put up with that if we were you.
18a. Enter the number of times you caught him stealing a glance at your cute friends.
18b. Multiply line 18a by the amount of NFL games he watched -- including exhibition season.
18c. Amount of nights he stayed out late without so much as a phone call.
19. Add lines 14 through 18c and divide by his gross biweekly salary including 401(k) contributions and all applicable paid vacation time and medical benefits (especially maternity). This is the total amount he annoys you.
Refund
20. If line 19 is higher than line 13, please review Publication 86 (How to Move on With Your Life).
Amount you Owe
21. If line 13 is higher than line 19, congratulations; it appears you’ve actually found the right person. Make sure you carefully fill out and file Form W: (How to Get His Family to Pay for the Wedding).
Note: You must file by next Valentine’s Day. Please save all records, receipts and cute little trinkets. There may be a penalty if you received chocolate hearts and failed to report them.
Howard Leff can be reached at weekend@latimes.com.
