This proves it: Response times vary

When a wife asks her former major leaguer husband to finally clean out the garage, there’s no telling what might turn up.

Don Carman, who pitched for the Philadelphia Phillies, Cincinnati Reds and Texas Rangers from 1983 to ‘92, recently found a box filled with more than 200 pieces of unopened fan mail ... from 1991.

One letter was from Bryan Curtis, whose mother e-mailed him last month about receiving a letter from someone named Don Carman. Inside was a 1989 Topps baseball card, autographed by Carman, responding to a letter Curtis had sent 15 years ago.

“Fifteen years ago, I figured Carman was a good candidate for a quick response,” Curtis wrote on Slate.com. “With the Phillies, he was a reliable southpaw who chewed up starts ... before leaving the majors for good in 1993.

“Where Carman showed greater promise was as a wit, a more cerebral version of Jay Johnstone.”

Curtis called Carman to ask about the 15-year wait for a response.

Carman replied that he had put the letters in a box, then moved to a different house and forgotten about them. Now, he’s finally getting back to those fans.

Most of the self-addressed return envelopes had 25-cent postage stamps, which meant Carman had to make up the difference.

Said Carman: “I told the postman I needed 250 10-cent stamps and 250 four-cent stamps, and he just looked at me like, ‘What are you doing?’ ”

Trivia time

Carman pitched for the Phillies from 1983 to 1990. During that time, two Philadelphia pitchers won the National League Cy Young Award. Who were they?

All the cliches fit to print

By 1990, Carman had endured enough numbing postgame interviews that he decided to speed up the process by posting a handwritten list of 37 suitable answers for reporters on his locker stall along with a note: “You saw the game ... take what you need.”

Included on Carman’s list:

* “Baseball’s a funny game.”

* “This game has really changed.”

* “With a couple breaks, we win that game.”

* “We’re going to take this season one game at a time.”

* “You’re only as good as your last game.”

* “That’s the name of the game.”

* “I don’t get paid to hit.”

That last was true. Carman finished his major league career with six hits in 99 at-bats for a .057 average.

ATM: All Tom’s Money

What do you call the phone agent Scott Boras uses every time he completes a deal for one of his clients with Texas Rangers owner Tom Hicks?

A hotline? Or a money pipeline?

Past connections between Hicks and Boras have produced a 10-year, $252-million contract for Alex Rodriguez; a five-year, $65-million deal for Chan Ho Park, and a five-year, $60-million deal for Kevin Millwood.

Tuesday, the Rangers and Eric Gagne reached a preliminary agreement on a one-year contract worth $6 million, with appearance incentives that could bring the deal to $11 million.

And Hicks has reportedly offered Barry Zito a six-year, $100-million contract.

Gagne and Zito are Boras’ clients, which had Times baseball writer Mike DiGiovanna wondering, “When Boras talks to Tom Hicks, does he first have to enter a PIN number?”

Trivia answer

John Denny in 1983 and Steve Bedrosian in 1987.

And finally

After watching Jacksonville’s running backs shred the Indianapolis Colts’ defense for 375 yards Sunday, it prompted Jaguars defensive end Bobby McCray to joke, “I probably could have had 78 or so on two carries. They probably would have pulled me early to save me for next week.”

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mike.penner@latimes.com