If Al Gore were an elf
Unhappy with the current crop of presidential hopefuls? Then elect a zombie! That’s the theory behind Zombie Presidents, a line of T-shirts promoting a return to power for several undead leaders. “Voters have been looking for another John F. Kennedy since his assassination in 1963,” explains ZombiePresidents.com. “Now the search is over! The original JFK is back!” So are zombie versions of Richard Nixon, Ronald Reagan and Abe Lincoln, all priced at $16.
Bottle-opener in chief
It’s the next best thing to hanging out with the old George W. Bush, the one who knew how to party. Meet Drink’n with Dubya, a talking bottle opener that plays one of Bush’s syntax-impaired sentences every time you crack open a brewski. The more you drink, the more sense he makes. Available for $7.99 at MadMoments.com.
Valley of the dolls
Forget Barbie and Ken. The new plastic power couple is Jackie Kennedy and Ulysses S. Grant. Or maybe Laura Bush and Teddy Roosevelt. The possibilities are numerous, thanks to Toypresidents.com’s collection of talking White House figurines. The list of $29.95 toys also includes a talking Jesus, Einstein and Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Ross Perot, Ralph Nader and John Anderson couldn’t do it. But there’s a new third-party presidential ticket in town: Comedy Central’s Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert. Show your support with a “Stewart-Colbert ’08 or the terrorists win” bumper sticker. Priced at $3.95, it’s waiting to be plastered on your car at cafepress.com.
Instant sound bites
Why hire speechwriters when you can mix and match some of the most memorable political quotes in history? “Four score and seven years ago ... I did not inhale ... the great state of Chicago.” With Magnetic Poetry’s Mixed-up Politician kit, it’s easy to assemble brilliant stump speeches right on your own refrigerator. Never be “misunderestimated” again. Available for $9.95 at magneticpoetry.com.
Stoke a political firestorm
Moses encountered a burning bush in the Sinai Desert. Now you can meet one in your own living room. It’s the George W. Bush fire-starter. The modern Bush, which retails for $14.95 at BaronBob.com, isn’t likely to lead you out of Egypt, but it does make excellent kindling. So does its Democratic counterpart, the Flaming Liberal fire-starter, featuring a flammable Hillary Clinton. The manufacturer says the product is best if used by election day 2008.
Salutations, Mr. Prez
Letters to the White House can come from anywhere: kids, celebrities, even outer space. National Geographic collected some of the best in a book titled “Dear Mr. President.” The 87 missives, addressed to presidents ranging from Washington to Clinton, include 12-year-old Fidel Castro’s request for $10 from FDR, a Smothers Brothers’ apology for satirizing LBJ, a seventh-grader’s plea to Ronald Reagan for federal funds to clean up the bedroom that his mother declared a “disaster area,” astronaut John Glenn’s outer space e-mail to Bill Clinton, Mother Teresa’s antiabortion appeal to Jimmy Carter, and a trio of teenage girls telling Dwight Eisenhower “it’s bad enough to send Elvis Presley in the Army, but if you cut his sideburns off, we will just die!” On sale for $14.60 at amazon.com.
You know you’ve made it as an international villain when Herobuilders.com turns you into an action figure. Miniature Saddam Husseins and Osama bin Ladens hit the market years ago, but their soul mate, Kim Jong Il, went unnoticed. Nothing he did -- blowing up airliners, kidnapping foreigners, wearing a bouffant hairdo -- captured doll-industry attention. Finally, in a last-ditch effort to be immortalized in plastic, Kim announced that he had nuclear weapons. Bingo! Herobuilders promptly rolled out a missile-toting Korean despot. Yours for $29.95.
From the folks who brought us finger-puppet sets featuring famous scientists, musicians and revolutionaries come two Axis of Evil collections. One features the usual suspects from North Korea, Iraq and Iran. The other stars Condoleezza Rice, Dick Cheney, George W. Bush and Donald Rumsfeld. The puppets are also magnets. Available for $19.95 at philosophersguild.com.
Liberal or conservative, you can wear your political beliefs on your sleeve with these T-shirts and accessories from Cafepress.com. The selections include a “Karl Rove is Voldemort” tote bag, “I’d Rather Hunt with Cheney than Ride with Ted Kennedy” underwear, “Jesus Didn’t Ride an Elephant” T-shirts and “No Vacancy” anti-illegal-immigration caps.
Cheney’s got a gun
Warning: Hunting with this doll may be hazardous to your health. It is armed, dangerous and may be lurking in an undisclosed location near you. Introducing the shotgun-toting Dick Cheney action figure. Dressed in urban camouflage pants and a T-shirt, the bendable vice president is suitable for mounting on the hood of your Chevy Suburban as the patron saint of hunting mishaps. Order him for $29.95 at Herobuilders.com.