How the West Was Done

Cheer up, faithful West Coast viewer. All this tape-delayed Olympic television coverage about to drive you to the Internet for reasonably timely results is a gift to you from NBC, which is only acting in your best interest by delaying your Olympic viewing.

As NBC Sports Chairman Dick Ebersol explains in the network’s Olympic media guide, “In Salt Lake City, where the rest of the country was live and the West Coast was on a delay, the West Coast was higher rated by almost 10 percent....

“The West Coast has a love affair with the Olympics that’s a little bit larger than the other regions of the United States. And our extensive research has clearly shown that they, more than any other region, want to see the Olympics when they’re available to watch them, and that is in prime time.”

While we’re waiting, let us take a day-by-day look at highlights from the NBC family Olympic schedule, almost all of it tape-delayed just for you!

Today

Opening ceremony

(NBC, 8 p.m.)

Bob Costas oversees the festivities from “Torino,” which is the same place as “Turin,” except NBC is calling it “Torino,” 18 months after Costas was host for the opening ceremony for the 2004 Summer Olympics at “Athinai,” although NBC referred to it as “Athens,” along with the rest of the English-speaking world.

It has been said that NBC is using “Torino” because it sounds sexier than “Turin.” Yet that didn’t stop NBC from referring to the 2002 Winter Olympics host city as “Salt Lake City.” What sounds sexier than “Salt Lake City?” What doesn’t?

Saturday

Pairs figure skating

short program (NBC, 8 p.m.)

Dick Button is making his NBC debut as he and Scott Hamilton share co-host roles with Mary Carillo for the nightly “Olympic Ice” program, which will be shown on NBC’s USA network. This development excited NBC Olympics producer David Neal so much that he was quoted in the network’s Olympic media guide: “Choose your superlative, our figure skating [announcing] team is the ’27 Yankees or the ’72 Dolphins, there’s never been a stronger or deeper lineup.” Just wondering: Did the ’27 Yankees have a kiss-and-cry area?

Sunday

Men’s downhill

(NBC, 7 p.m.)

It’s put-up or shut-up time for Bode Miller. And if you believe that, you haven’t been paying attention. If Miller wins gold in this event, expect the post-race interview to go like this:

Reporter: “So how does it feel to win the gold, Bode?”

Miller: “I’m not in it for the personal glory. These Olympic Games sicken me. They have become too capitalistic and too obsessed with winning.”

Reporter: “So you’re not happy you won?”

Miller: “I didn’t say that. You said that.”

Reporter: “What do you plan to do with your gold medal?”

Miller: “Probably sell photos of it on my Nike website. Hey, did you notice these medals have holes in them? They look like doughnuts. (He winks at TV camera.) Krispy Kreme doughnuts.”

Monday

Women’s halfpipe final

(NBC, 8 p.m.)

Which American snowboarder gets the trademark up-close-and-too-personal feature treatment by NBC? Gretchen Bleiler and the heartbreak of having missed the 2002 team on a tiebreaker? Or Hannah Teter and the lucky bottle of maple syrup she brings with her to all competitions? Answer: Both.

Tuesday

Men’s Alpine combined

(NBC, 8 p.m.)

Bode Part II. Miller earned one of his two 2002 silver medals in this event. If he fails to at least repeat here, will it be, to borrow a phrase, an opportunity “wasted?”

Wednesday

Men’s hockey

(USA, noon, live)

Team USA, made up of NHL stars who spent last Feb. 15 watching ice melt in their mid-lockout beer buckets, plays its tournament opener against Latvia. OLN executives are green with envy as millions of U.S. sports fans, who have actually heard of USA Network, tune in to watch the action.

Thursday

Men’s figure skating final

(NBC, 8 p.m.)

During which NBC’s “Murderer’s Row” commentator crew spends most of the program wondering how Michelle Kwan will fare in next Thursday’s women’s final.

Friday, Feb. 17

Men’s skeleton final

(NBC, 8 p.m.)

Carillo, who memorably described two-man luge in 2002 as a “bar bet gone bad,” has this to say about skeleton: “Of all the sports kids are watching at these Winter Games, skeleton has got to be the most easily imitable. Things occur to children. So Mom, Dad and Granny, if you have any household items that are roughly the shape of a sled and have no steering mechanisms, put them away. Because if you have an hors d’oeuvres tray, they’ll have a dream.”

Saturday, Feb. 18

Short-track speedskating men’s

1,000-meter final (NBC, 8 p.m.)

Or as South Korean Winter Olympic fans refer to it, “Apolo Anton? Ohno!!” Ohno, infamous winner of the 1,500-meter gold medal in 2002 when leader Kim Dong-Sung was disqualified for obstructing his American rival, bids for his first 2006 gold medal, with or without more officiating assistance.

Sunday, Feb. 19

Ice dancing

(NBC, 7 p.m.)

If ice dancing is not a real sport, and ice dancing preliminary rounds mere exercises in foregone conclusions, why then is NBC spending so much of its air time focusing its cameras on American ice dancer Tanith Belbin?

Monday, Feb. 20

Women’s hockey gold-medal game (NBC, 1 p.m.)

In all likelihood, a rematch of the 2002 final, in which Canada defeated the United States, 3-2.

Of particular interest: How NBC commentator Cammi Granato, former U.S. captain cut from the ’06 squad by Coach Ben Smith, comments on Smith’s strategic moves during and after another probable silver-medal finish.

Tuesday, Feb. 21

Women’s figure skating short program (NBC, 8 p.m.)

Finally, after millions of typed words have been spent for the cause, the Michelle Kwan Winter Games officially open. Sasha Cohen recently groused to Sports Illustrated, “A couple of years ago I thought, ‘Why doesn’t [Kwan] retire? Look at how many nationals she has. Look how many worlds she’s won. Give someone else a turn.’ ”

NBC to Cohen: “Um, did you say something?”

Wednesday, Feb. 22

Men’s hockey quarterfinals

(USA 5 a.m., MSNBC 7 a.m. live)

In the NBC media guide, Ebersol advises “die-hard fans [to] mark their calendars for Wednesday, Feb. 22. It will be the single greatest day in hockey -- all of the game’s biggest stars will compete in the men’s quarterfinals as the world’s eight best teams all face off.”

Hockey’s greatest day and biggest stars? With Wayne Gretzky serving as executive director, not first-line center, for Team Canada? With Mario Lemieux settling into his latest retirement? With Sidney Crosby nowhere to be found?

Thursday, Feb. 23

Women’s figure skating final

(NBC, 8 p.m.)

The stage is set for this ratings-bonanza melodrama: Kwan takes the ice for the last skate of her Olympic career. Overcome by emotion, she falls twice, eliciting groans of disappointment from NBC’s unbiased and unmatched commentator crew. Cohen, Russia’s Irina Slutskaya, Italy’s Carolina Kostner and Japan’s Shizuka Arakawa all clearly outskate Kwan.

Nevertheless, analyst Scott Hamilton starts jumping up and down and shouting, “This is no way for a great champion like Kwan to bow out!”

Which scares the judges, who, already confused by the new scoring system, frantically punch a bunch of buttons, and there it is: Michelle Kwan, 2006 Olympic bronze medalist.

At an overflow post-skate news conference, Kwan says she is pleased but not totally satisfied and notes that she still lacks an Olympic gold medal and will be only 29 in 2010....

Friday, Feb. 24

Figure skating champions gala

(NBC, 8 p.m.)

Knowing where its ratings bread is buttered, NBC dumps one men’s hockey semifinal on MSNBC, the other on USA, airs the men’s curling final on both USA and CNBC and builds its prime-time show around a meaningless figure skating exhibition.

Saturday, Feb. 25

Men’s slalom

(NBC, 8 p.m.)

One last ski competition, this one centering on American Ted Ligety and Italian hero Giorgio Rocca, who is partially colorblind, but can certainly tell the difference in endorsement euros between gold and silver.

Sunday, Feb. 26

Men’s hockey gold-medal game

(NBC, 8 a.m.)

Probably a matchup between Canada and either Sweden or the Czech Republic. As for Team USA, it’s a day for rest and reflection and how to explain what didn’t happen to the hockey fans back home, unless you believe in miracles happening twice in a lifetime.