Getting Straight Answers Just Wasn’t in the Cards

It was after midnight in Commerce Casino, and I had $11,000 in chips, cheat sheet in hand so I could be positive a flush beats a straight, surrounded by professional card players, looking into the eyes of Anne Heche at the next table, when it dawned on me there was probably nothing in this for me in the long run.

It’s true, though, I’d already outlasted more than 200 players, including Maverick, the Unabomber and Jennifer Tilly, who unlike Deacon Jones, a.k.a. The Welcher, immediately donated $100 to Mattel Children’s Hospital at UCLA for getting the boot before Page 2, so I could’ve played on.

But the World Poker Tour Invitational was about to adjourn, everyone required to return the next night to compete for more than $100,000 in cash, so I had a difficult choice to make.

I could continue, doing my best to also win a $10,000 donation for the Children’s Hospital, but it would mean missing an interview with Phil Jackson before the Laker game with Sacramento -- and just my luck, this might be the one night when he actually said something of interest.

So I decided to throw all my money into the pot on one hopeless hand just to be with Jackson, fully aware there probably was going to be no big payoff -- for a minute feeling what it must be like to be Jeanie. And lost.

That made it an $11,000 pregame interview, another reporter asking the first question and wanting to know whether the Lakers had been close to making a trade, as if it really mattered now.

I wanted to get back to the other night, when I had told Jackson it might be time to get more scoring out of Lamar Odom -- then read in the paper later that Jackson had told Odom at halftime he wanted him to shoot more.

“So you’re willing to take advice from us [the media]?” I said.

“Not from you,” he said, and if I wanted this kind of treatment, I could’ve stayed at Commerce Casino with Heche.

*

JACKSON THEN began talking hockey, obviously trying to irritate me, and he said he liked the hockey rule that allows teams to trade up to a week before the playoffs. I’d still want the chance to get rid of Devean George too.

Some other questions were asked, and then I reminded him he had said earlier he wanted a third scorer, but with no trade, now what?

“Did I say that?” Jackson said. “I’ve never said that.”

“I have it on tape,” I said, and he said he’d like a third person to step in, “but it doesn’t have to be a scorer,” and I said, “No, you said scorer,” and he said, “I disagree.” I learned a lesson long ago, and also tape everything the wife said, so when she denies it later, I can shut her up.

Jackson, meanwhile, brought up hockey again, and I’m telling you, he can be really mean when he wants to be.

“We’re still reeling here in North America about the fact the United States and Canada didn’t make it into the gold- and silver-medal rounds of the hockey,” he told a reporter from Spain, and I not only didn’t understand the question that prompted the answer, I didn’t understand the answer.

“It’s a big shock to us that Canada didn’t score the last two games -- six periods,” Jackson said, and I interrupted to ask, “Have you lost it?”

He went on and on -- as if I weren’t there, and it must be some kind of Zen thing he can do, while I thought he should be concerning himself with the Kings, and the game’s playoff implications. When he finished putting the poor guy from Spain to sleep, I said, “You’ve got me worried, shouldn’t you be spending more time coaching rather than watching hockey?”

That ended the news conference, and despite my parting shout that “I hadn’t gotten my $11,000 worth out of him yet,” we were done -- until before tonight’s game with the Clippers. I’ve got nothing left to wager, but I’ll bet he can’t wait.

*

I THINK I know how Miss Radio Personality would feel about this.

When asked a question about Odom before the game with the Kings, Jackson referred to a postgame interview conducted by FSN West’s Lindsay Soto on Tuesday night.

“It’s kind of interesting that -- that girl after the game asked him a point-blank question,” and another reporter stepped in and tried to help Jackson by reminding him that Soto is a “young lady.”

“What’s her name?” Jackson said.

“That’s a young lady, not a girl,” the helpful reporter said, and Jackson continued without taking the hint.

“I don’t think she’s mature enough to be called that,” said Jackson, and it probably is a good idea not to open himself up to questions on the father/daughter Sunday morning gabfest with Miss Radio Personality any time soon.

*

WHEN THE Lakers play the Clippers, I will be joining Ralph Lawler and Mike Bore, sorry, Smith, broadcasting the second quarter for Channel 5 from media row. Maybe if I’m a TV guy, I’ll get a little more respect from Jackson.

It works for Jack Haley.

*

TODAY’S LAST word comes in e-mail from Grant Shreiner:

“To commemorate Vin Scully’s 57 years with the Dodgers, please put me down for a $57 donation to the Mattel’s. Vin seems like the kind of guy who would be happy that good things are being done as a tribute to him.”

A “Win with Vin $57 Club” would be great, followed by a “Win with Vin $58 Club” next year, and then a “Win with Vin.... “