Go ahead, search me

I FAIL TO SEE the big deal in this week’s report that the U.S. Department of Justice is seeking records on billions of random Internet transactions by ordinary Americans, apparently in an effort to uphold pornography laws.

As a good American citizen, with not a thing to hide, I’d like to be the first to voluntarily give the Bush administration a look at my own recent search records.

I hope my disclosures will set an example for the rest of you shrinking violets. After all, the more the government knows about us, the safer we will be, and the sooner we can go back to a time when we can all bring livestock aboard airplanes again.

1/20/06: 0900 PST: Google “Jessica F.” She was my girlfriend in 8th grade; dumped me for Eddie Paradiso. Followed link to a blog, called “Chocoholic.” Possibly hers, but no picture, so hard to say.

1/20/06: 0905 PST: Google “USB Airdarts.” Read about them on Gizmodo blog and became convinced they were just the thing to keep Horowitz, who works in the next office, at bay. “You cubicle warriors out there can get pretty intense in your day-to-day work environments,” Gizmodo observes. “This USB-powered launcher with three darts may be the perfect weapon to add to your arsenal.”

Search is fruitless, as the dart launcher appears to be available only in Britain. And Marks & Spencer is currently out of stock.

1/20/06: 0912 PST: Google Image: “Jessica F.” One picture. Taken at hospital fundraising dinner in Pottstown, Pa., three years ago, but definitely looks like her, plus 80 pounds.

1/20/06: 0915 PST: Google “Chocolate gag gifts” and follow link to chocolatefantasies.com. Intrigued by “cockroach clusters.” “Yummy tasting, but so disgustingly real! The detailed wings on the outside is like a crunchy shell, then there is some yellow marshmallow under to attach to the body (like guts) and then there is the antennae and soft underbody made of sweet gummy candy.” Sent case to Jessica F. address from anonymous admirer.

1/20/06: 10:24 PST: Google: “Marijuana makes you smarter.” Horowitz said this at coffee break, claiming to have read it somewhere, but he forgot where. Found link on something called www.pot-tv.net that had a film clip of an on-point interview with a doctor, but couldn’t figure out how to view it.

1/20/06: 12:00 PST: Google: “Dull pain middle of foot.” It’s been driving me nuts and, frankly, I worry. Likely diagnosis: plantar fasciitis, according to Familydoctor.org.

1/20/06 12:02 PST: Google: “foot cancer.” Just to be sure. Various links, including one at podiatrychannel.com, are encouraging. Vaguely wonder if there’s a foot-tv.net.

1/20/06 12:03 PST: Google: “foot-tv.net.” No information available. There is however, a foot-tv.com, which appears to be a domain name that someone is trying to sell ... in France. “Nom de domaine a vendre. Me contacter: lmaix@hotmail.com.”

1/20/06 15:03 PST: Google: “whitehouse.com.” Knew that some wag registered this eons ago as a front for a sex site. Now, though, the address redirects to loans.com, a mortgage site. Is real estate the new sex? Vaguely wonder if the administration will crack down on that too.