When greenlighting isn’t a good thing

Film query letters are descriptive pitches that should entice a studio reader or producer to peruse the entire script. But the site “Query Letters I Love” (www.queryletters.blogspot.com) serves as a kind of online dead letter office for cliched proposals and really lame loglines (that’s industry speak for one-sentence summaries).

According to the disclaimer found at the top of the anonymous blog, the content consists of “honest to god query letters received in Hollywood.” And if one of the millions of Tinseltown’s budding scribes sees his or her letters posted for all the world to relish, Query Letters offers these words of advice: “... if one of these is your query, have a sense of humor, will ya? You’re gonna need it in this town.”

The site launched in October 2004 by “ManagerGuy” to shed a little light on “the bane of any producer’s existence” -- i.e., crappy queries. The introductory note also reveals that although the aforementioned “ManagerGuy” passed on last summer, the site continues on in his memory through the humorous offerings of a new but equally mysterious contributor known only as “The Empress.”

Here’s a recent posting that sounds like a perfect Vin Diesel-Jackie Chan vehicle: “A street racer uncovers a broken artifact while working in a museum warehouse, which releases a banished ninja spirit into his body. They must learn to work together in order to prevent a ninja sorcerer from unleashing an ancient demon plague upon humanity.”

All movie genres can earn equal skewering time. Who wants to be the first to plunk down $10 for this romantic comedy: “... a single woman bets her three married friends that she can find a date anywhere in the USA in time for a charity ball.”

Now the moral of the story: Maybe we all should quit whining about the latest banal offerings from Hollywood. Query Letters I Love proves that the fare could be much, much worse. At least we hope so -- but then again, we haven’t seen “Yours, Mine and Ours” or “In the Mix” yet, either.

-- CHRISTINE N. ZIEMBA