You Want a Piece of Me?

The Ultimate Fighting Championship comes to California for the first time next month, at the Arrowhead Pond of Anaheim, thanks to the state’s recent legalization of mixed martial arts matches. “It’s a real sport with some very serious rules,” says UFC spokesman Loren Mack, citing a few: no eye-gouging, no biting, no head-butting. That’s too bad, given the contenders we’d like to lock in the Octagon, the UFC’s eight-sided cage:

George Clooney vs. Bill O’Reilly

Martha Stewart vs. Donald Trump

K-Fed vs. Eminem

Antonio Villaraigosa vs. Marlene Canter

Mischa Barton vs. Paris Hilton

Bode Miller vs. Himself