A presidential race of another kind

I don’t necessarily believe that any child can grow up to be president. However, a few years ago I decided that, if I couldn’t be president, I could at least beat President Bush’s time in the three-mile run.

Say what you will, Bush is probably our fittest president. Now, “fittest” of a group that includes Grover Cleveland, William Howard Taft and Chester A. Arthur may not seem impressive. But before his knees gave out and he turned to mountain biking, Bush was known for leading reporters on brutally fast long-distance runs on his Texas ranch.

It was after reading a story of Bush’s competitiveness in a three-mile race that I devoted myself to beating Bush’s time. Mind you, I’m no novice. I’d competed for my high school cross-country team but never lettered. Our student manager did letter. Which meant I was less valuable to the team competing in meets than if I’d carried the towels.

I’d also run a marathon, which ended badly when I was passed in the homestretch by the runner-up in the “Over 70” men’s division.

But the marathon was never my race; the three-mile run was. And I trained in earnest to defeat Bush, a man 12 years my senior. I did tough workouts, during which I cursed myself for not attempting to top Nixon’s bowling score instead.

My first serious run against the clock (Bush by proxy) took place at a high school track in Burbank. The variables seemed to even out: Bush ran a road race rather than on a flat track, but I didn’t have Secret Service agents pacing me.

Despite a finishing kick, my time of just under 24 minutes was slower than Bush’s by well over three minutes. I trained harder. During long runs, I thought about what I was doing. I reasoned I’d always had a thing against authority, and this was my opportunity to defeat the ultimate authority.

But it was time-consuming, and I tired of the stares when I begged out of meetings and social events “because I’m training to beat Bush.” I decided to run against Bush’s time once more.

I got off to a fast start, passing a couple of high schoolers circling the track. But they didn’t look like athletes -- they more resembled kids the gym teacher made do laps because they had failed to complete even one pull-up.

I stayed strong and then ... hit a huge wall at the two-mile mark. My time was just over a minute slower than Bush’s.

There would be no recount. I didn’t defeat Mr. Bush. On the upside, all the training made me feel great. Although my race time never matched Bush’s, my current approval rating (in my immediate family) is 50%, so I did best the president in that realm.

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Brad Dickson is a former staff writer for “The Tonight Show with Jay Leno” and co-author of “Maybe Life’s Just Not That Into You.”