Hey Big Spenders

In the annals of Most Memorable Holiday Gifts, J.P. Williams, chief executive and owner of the management-production company Parallel Entertainment, recalls the year his client Jeff Foxworthy--of “Blue Collar Comedy Tour” fame--gave him $100,000.

“And that was on top of the money I’d already made off him!” Williams says with a chuckle, betraying his West Virginia drawl. Another year, Foxworthy bought him a car. “Nothing crazy, one of those Lincoln Continentals.”

It might appear that Williams is spinning tales from a long, long time ago --the 1990s, to be exact. That was when no writers strike was causing fear and belt-tightening across Movieland, and bonuses flowed as freely as Dom Perignon during the holidays.

Cut to the present. As one producer put it in early November: “Everybody’s talking about the stupid strike. Nobody’s thinking about Christmas.”

The holidays (Christmas, Hanukkah, the Golden Globe nominations) traditionally are when Hollywood puts its best foot forward, atoning for the past and greasing the wheels for the future. Tom Cruise sends cards indicating that money has been donated in the recipient’s name to the Church of Scientology. Talent agencies give their abuse victims, er, assistants cute little trinkets such as iPods and chocolate bars with money inside. Other assistants, whose year-round job is doing gifting for moguls such as Steven Spielberg, shift into overdrive, like elves on a toy production line.

This year, though, thanks to the “S” word, which has bred money concerns on both sides of the picket line, things appear dicey. There’s talk that another deluge of “charity cards” is all but inevitable, and not just from Mr. Cruise. For the uninitiated, these are cards saying that money in your name has been donated to a charity you’ve never heard of.

Luckily, not everyone has turned Scrooge-like. Williams is still planning to send his usual year-end gift package of six filet mignon steaks from Lobel’s of New York (at $264.98 a pop) to the 70 or so associates (clients, agents, publicists, lawyers, etc.) who have done him well this year. “Everybody likes a good piece of meat,” Williams reasons. “And if they’re a vegetarian, they can regift it and give it to someone else.”

Assuming that frugality in Hollywood is more like restrained bingeing, it’s a safe bet that, despite all the veiled threats, coal won’t be the only thing in studio VPs’ stockings.

All the more reason to be strategic about the season of giving. (Remember: Gifts are as much about the gifter as the giftee.) Herewith, a few tips:

Don’t forget the little people. It’s no oversight that assistants are plied with some of the best loot: Bose stereo equipment, Best Buy gift certificates, video cameras. Assistants, after all, are the gatekeepers who decide whose calls go through and whose lunch is bumped. As one agent explains, a client’s sucking up to an assistant “curries favor so they can get me on the phone.”

Do what it takes to get on CAA’s gift list. Even members of rival agencies admit that nobody’s generosity matches CAA’s. During the holidays, “you can’t even see the floor--the assistants are all over, wrapping things up,” says one former assistant. A producer equates the CAA gift list (“and there is one!” he insists) to a premiere guest list in terms of prestige. The agency’s tendency to splurge can be credited to CAA co-founder Michael Ovitz, who understood the power of free stuff and fine-tuned the art of gift-giving. Ovitz continued the tradition at his short-lived Artists Management Group, where freelance script readers received CD players for Christmas.

Lincoln Continentals aren’t the only things that score points. It’s no coincidence that the most successful people in Hollywood are also the best Santa Clauses. For instance, Jerry Bruckheimer traditionally raids the Gucci and Prada stores in the name of his friends. And quirkiness goes a long way: Jon Stewart regularly doles out deli platters.

Go ahead, regift. Steak, wine, domesticated animals, whatever. As long as it doesn’t have your initials on it, wrap it up and move it along. Consider it doing your part in these Dickensian times. *

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RULE #1

Get on CAA’s holiday gift list and you’ll never be needy again. After all, there’s power in receiving free stuff.