Next time, she’ll get the better of him

YOU know what I’d like to be? The Next Woman. No, I don’t mean the Other Woman. I mean the Next Woman -- the one who benefits from a man’s “growth” after the breakup of a relationship. I’ve paid my dues as the First Woman -- the one who serves as a catalyst for change.

It’s difficult to be the Next Woman when you’re in your 20s or 30s. But by the time you’re 50, there’s been ample opportunity for a man to have experienced a long-term relationship (and its ending), to have thought about his part (and perhaps sought therapy) and to have “changed for the better.” That’s the man I want to be with.

I have found, however, that even when I am literally the next woman, I may not conceptually be the Next Woman ....

Rob had been widowed for seven months but dating for six. I should have asked more questions about why the women who preceded me stopped seeing him. Instead, I was happy that he was so accommodating in responding to a woman’s needs -- none of which, he said with a great deal of guilt, he had done with his deceased wife.

If we were doing something that he wanted to do, such as checking out a camera store in a shopping center, he’d ask whether there were any stores that I wanted to visit. Whenever he called, he would first ask whether it was a good time to talk, and when I would relate incidents of the day, he would always inquire about my feelings.

He was so considerate that I wondered whether he truly had changed or was just trying to restore the “cosmic balance” by giving the next woman what he hadn’t given his deceased wife. Often, when I commented on how considerate he was, he expressed guilt over how he had treated his wife, adding that he didn’t deserve me. He’d grown from his mistakes, but he hadn’t yet forgiven himself for them.

Then there are some men for whom one will always be the First Woman. These are men who do not grow, no matter the details of their last relationship. In most cases, they believe that they had no part in its failure. At best, they fault themselves for always picking the same type of woman (which may be true). Such men have deeply held negative beliefs about women; they often say, “All women this ... and all women that.”

This was the case with Arnie. Despite the fact that I couldn’t be more different from his former girlfriend, I was seen and reacted to as if I were her. When I tried to discuss our “issues,” I would get either, “You’re just like Rae” or “All you women are the same .... “ We probably were all the same -- in how we reacted to him. We were all trying to work around his narcissism.

So, next time, to be that Next Woman, I will use my knowledge to find a man who has paid his dues. As they say before a prizefight, “may the best man win.” In my case, the “better man” will, and I will be the prize.