Roses . . . or guns? Match your holiday gift to your ‘real’ boss
Want to buy something for that workplace boss in your life, but are confused because he or she’s one tough cookie to shop for?
You know the type: a little bit cupcake, little bit jungle beast. The kind of person who’ll mist up one minute while talking about his or her kids, then steal your place in the cafeteria lunch line the next.
The November issue of OC Metro Business magazine wants to help. Its cover announces “20 Cool Executive Gifts,” many of which would be great for that special person in your office.
For a lot of tenderhearted execs, the “Charity Choice” gift card would be perfect. Your boss could redeem it at any of 75 nonprofit organizations. The beauty of that, the magazine says, is that the gift card lets recipients “support a cause that has special meaning to them.”
What benevolent boss wouldn’t like that?
But let’s face it. The boss doesn’t spend all day at the office.
So, you might also consider buying the latest issue of Soldier of Fortune magazine and checking out its ads.
How can you be sure that your boss, instead of wanting a charity gift card, might not rather have “The History of Sniping and Sharpshooting,” written from a “combat rifleman’s unique perspective.” It retails for $89.95.
OC Metro Business touts the Spa at South Coast Plaza, with its promise of facials, massages and personal training. But is that a better gift than the Uzi Simulator, available from a Florida company and marked down to $299? The Soldier of Fortune ad says it “fires gunpowder-charged 9mmPA blank ammunition” and is “100% legal to own.”
A day at the spa is just that -- one day -- but a Uzi Simulator is forever.
Or, how would you choose between OC Metro’s suggestion for vintage luxury-brand luggage and SOF’s ad for a right-hand leg holster? If it’ll help you decide, the luggage is priced at $650 to $975, while the holster retails at $19.97. For that price, you could also afford a Molle Level III Assault Pack that goes for $39.97.
Soldier of Fortune does a lot of business with law enforcement and global mercenaries, but not exclusively. Couldn’t that weekend warrior at your house use “heavy duty throwing knives,” a pair of 8 1/2 -inch knives and sheaths comfortably priced at $17.97 a pair.
Is that any less practical than OC Metro’s hint for a laser-guided pool cue that goes for $79.95?
The ad promises that “when activated, the laser provides a precise guide for lining up the perfect shot.”
That might seem like small potatoes when stacked up against the SOF ad for the “Spikey,” a new “personal security device that is easily and quickly used by anyone in need of defending against personal assault or subduing an assailant.” Its manufacturer advertises the hand-held device with protruding prong as easy to hold, “non-threatening, innocent-looking” and designed for use on “the body’s pressure points.” No price was listed, but the ad says: “Self-defense device doubles as a key chain.”
Soldier of Fortune caters to people under stress -- or who may find themselves under stress. In running an ad for the Springfield Armory company’s model 1911 pistol, it states, “Whatever the reasons for your 1911 clearing the holster, your demand for reliability should be equal to that of the pros.”
The 1911 sounds like it’s intended to be a stress-reliever. OC Metro’s answer to stress is available in something called the StressEraser.
Retailing at $299, it’s described as a hand-held, biofeedback medical device designed to calm your body. It focuses your mind and synchronizes your breathing with a BreathWave pattern.
Can’t you just picture the editors over at Soldier of Fortune getting a kick out of that?
I’m not here to recommend one magazine’s offerings over the other. Gift-giving is a very personal thing.
But keep this in mind. Only in SOF did I see an ad from a company (Quantico Tactical Supply) that promised to contribute 5% of its December sales to Toys for Tots.
It directs readers to its website and the “Deal of the Day.”
In case you’re interested, Monday’s deal was for the Specter CQB sling for M16A2/AR15 rifles. The suggested retail price was $27.50, but had you acted Monday, you could have gotten it for $9.99.
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Dana Parsons’ column appears Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays. He can be reached at (714) 966-7821 or at dana.parsons@latimes.com. An archive of his recent columns is at www.latimes.com/parsons.
