Kids have all the answers, of course

Parents, are you paying attention?

You probably had no idea what a lousy job you and I have been doing, and I didn’t either, until I made the mistake of asking kids their thoughts on the subject.

Stinging critiques streamed in by the dozens, from Riverside to Redondo. The little rascals couldn’t wait to psychoanalyze us, scold us and offer pointers on how we can pick up our game.

Take dinner, for instance.

“Who likes leftovers?” asked Laurin Randle, 11, of Rancho Cucamonga. “Could you at least warn me first?”

Do you have any idea how long a meatloaf lasted in my house, Laurin? It got us from Monday to Friday, and we were happy to have it.

In Rancho Palos Verdes, 13-year-old Melody Schmidt is an aspiring writer with her own website and, at least in her view, a set of hovering parents.

“No other high schooler goes to registration with their parent,” she wrote. “I can handle it on my own. I really can!”

Maybe so, Melody. But I told my parents the same thing right before I registered -- for bowling instead of algebra.

In Glendora, 11-year-old Stephanie Swanson just had to get something off her chest about her mother.

“I couldn’t live without her but once I get her out in public it isn’t pretty.”

This doesn’t sound good.

“I took my friends to see ‘Hairspray’ and when the movie was over [Mom] was dancing not just in the theater but outside the door.”

Call me a traitor, but I’m going with the child on this one.

As you may recall, our Summer Essay Contest was inspired by a charming -- if demanding -- set of instructions left by 14-year-old Rebekah Blume of Silver Lake for her parents when she went off to summer camp.

In a transparent ploy for a quick summer column, I asked kids to go to their rooms, get out their pens or laptops and try to out-write Rebekah. How was I supposed to know we parents would come in for such abuse?

A lot of the essays started out sounding like tributes. But that was just to set us up for the sucker punch.

“They are really nice,” 10-year-old Jonathan Yuen of Northridge said of his parents, “but there are some things about them that really bug me.” Such as “when Dad is driving me home from school and he keeps asking me, why are you so quiet? I’m so quiet because there isn’t anything to talk about!”

Sure, Jonathan, and nothing happened at school today, did it?

Matthew Ross, 10, thinks it’s time for adults to lead or get out of the way.

“Why is it that you have to be at least thirty-five years old to run for President?” asked the Toluca Lake resident. Matthew proposed a constitutional change that would let kids vote and give grade-schoolers a shot at leading the free world, not that it doesn’t seem like we’re already there.

One “good thing that comes out of a kid being President is we wouldn’t know how to start wars so there would not be any. . . . Also, I have a few more statements. Who cuts down the tropical rain forests? Grown-Ups! Who uses up the earth’s natural resources? Grown-Ups! Now am I right or am I right?”

I think I’d actually vote for this kid.

Will Bingemann of Torrance, who’s on his way to eighth grade at Richardson Middle School in Torrance, has had it with “High and Mighty” remarks from his mother, “long-winded chore lists,” bans on video games and multi-tasking demands.

“Here’s my mom’s version of go fold the laundry: ‘Will, why don’t you go fold the laundry. Oh don’t forget the sock on the stairway. While you’re upstairs, clean your room. I think you should vacuum it too.”

There’s one she forgot, Will. Do you think the lawn cuts itself?

Alexa Okyle, a Beverly Hills high schooler, thinks parents need to come up with better answers when children ask “why?”

“Bad example: ‘Mom, why can’t I try a cigarette?’

“ ‘Because I said so.’

“Good example: ‘Mom, why can’t I try a cigarette?’

“ ‘They are extremely addictive, toxic to your lungs, unattractive, cancer-related, speed the aging process, etc.’ ”

If you already knew that, young lady, then why ask for a cigarette?

Several children degraded parents for failing to appreciate the appeal of MySpace or YouTube or the latest trends in music or fashion.

“Don’t shake your head disapprovingly,” wrote Rachel Fobar, 13, of La Palma. “Instead, remember how your parents would criticize your choices, and smile.”

Listen to me, Rachel. If you saw photos of me in platform shoes and a disco shirt, you would know that my parents were justifiably horrified. Parents are always right. Tell your friends.

Sidney Butts, an 11-year-old from Studio City, already has a career lined up. He’s going to run a translation business for parents who have no idea what their kids are talking about.

“When I write messages to my friends I always have something in it like brb, g2g or lol. . . . Well newsflash for parents that’s how kids abbreviate be right back, got to go and laugh out loud.”

OK, Sidney, now tott. Newsflash for kids: That’s take out the trash.

Little Kurtis Bingemann is a clever lad living in Torrance with two very annoying brothers (those are his words), a dog and two cats, one of which is named P.K. for Psycho Kitty. I say he’s clever because of lines like this:

“I think my parents should let me play more electronic games so my reflexes would be faster and I would have better vision.”

Kurtis is 10. I’m betting he’s already filling out law school applications.

And he sounds like he could have the makings of a class-action case, if the final sentence of his entry is any indication.

“Parents should not read the stupid newspaper so they don’t get stupid ideas like making their kids write stupid essays to the stupid L.A. Times to get a stupid shirt and a stupid cap and get their stupid name in the stupid newspaper.”

Dear Kurtis: As runner-up, your prize is a stupid shirt. I’m sending it to your house.

Now go to your stupid room.

With talent like Kurtis’, it wasn’t easy to pick a winner. But one contestant perfectly blended affection, humor and gentle persuasion in an essay titled “How To Be A Better Parent.”

With great command of the language, Emma Niles, 13, thanked her parents for all that they do. “But truthfully,” wrote Emma, who will begin her first year at Culver City High School this week, “there are a few things that need improvement.”

Among them:

“I know that my chores, such as feeding the cats and cleaning the litter box, are a responsibility. I do not forget to do these things; I just don’t do them right away. So please don’t stand in my doorway meowing like a ravenous feline if I am two pages away from finishing my book. I will feed them -- when I am done with those two pages.”

Her mother, Jane, joked that she was working on a rebuttal.

It doesn’t have to be a joke, Jane. After all the abuse parents have taken here, they should feel free to send in essays on how their children can shape up.

First prize is a stupid L.A. Times coffee mug.

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steve.lopez@latimes.com

To learn more about Emma and to read her entire essay, go to www.latimes.com/emmasessay