Mother of all gaffes
Q:I have been seeing the same woman for my waxing for the last eight years. Over this time, we have become good friends. Or so I thought. When I went in for my appointment the other day, she put her hand on my belly and beamed at me. “Congratulations!” she bellowed. The problem is: I’m not pregnant. I was shocked! I didn’t know what to say. What is the proper way to respond to a comment such as this? And when is it OK to ask that question anyway? Should I stop seeing my waxing woman because of this?
-- J.S., Los Angeles
First things first: Asking a woman when she’s due -- much like asking an octogenarian when he might die -- is never appropriate. Even if her belly extends a foot in front, you might ask? Nope. Certain women carry most of their extra weight in their midsections. Besides, this mother of none has been known to consume enough deluxe nachos and mint Milanos to appear decidedly convex.
But don’t feel too bad. You’re in good company. Even licorice-thin celebrities have fielded this boorish inquiry. Reportedly, Sarah Michelle Gellar was mistaken for a mother-to-be in Cannes, France, because of a frock adorned with an ill-placed, full-frontal bow. “When women come in, I don’t ask them if they’re pregnant,” says Christina Sitkevich, owner of Sugar Baby, the hip children’s clothing store on Sunset Boulevard. “Especially with today’s fashions, you never know.”
Indeed, empire-waisted tunics, baby doll dresses and ethnic caftans -- all popular for spring -- can transform even a size 2 woman into a pup tent. I own a diaphanous, billowy green shift under which I could hide a holiday ham and a dozen yams. (My husband calls it “big greenie,” which sounds like a pet name for a tractor and is not an endearment, I assure you.) A woman once commented to me that it would make a “great maternity dress.” I replied: “That would make a great insult.”
As for finding a new waxer, that’s your call. If you’re too upset or mortified to disrobe in front of her again, I suggest that you see my go-to gal Rada at Smile Skin Care on 3rd Street. She always murmurs “you look skinny” before she slathers me with molten wax. Otherwise, gently tell your waxer that you will inform her if and when you get knocked up and let it go. Great aestheticians, like obstetricians, are hard to find.
And if you should ever get wrongly congratulated again, don’t take it too personally. Simply say, “I’m not pregnant because I don’t believe in bringing children into a world in which someone would ask a woman if she’s pregnant. Good day.”
Or own it and act all pregnant. Feign cramps and cut a long line at Gelson’s. If you lose your temper at the office, blame those pesky hormones. Should a waitress ask “Boy or girl?”, simply sigh and say: “Both. And don’t be stingy with the cheese on the nachos. I’m eating for three.”
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Do you have a social woe or an etiquette issue? Send questions to the Mannerist at monica.corcoran@ latimes.com.
