You know how ladies, when they don’t get what they want, can go a little crazy? Am I right, fellas? Right now, they’re pretty upset about losing their first chance at a female president. This would have empowered little girls, shattered sexist beliefs about female incompetence and forced men around the world to view a woman as an agent of power instead of a sex object -- all of which, it turns out, are important to women even though they buy Star magazine. Ladies are complicated.
Because women do most of the voting, and the shopping and the TV watching and the book reading -- porn really must take up a lot of men’s time -- they need to be placated. Which shouldn’t be hard. You know how when your dog dies, your wife wants to get a puppy right away? That’s what America has to do. We need a replacement Hillary.
Because while women are sad that Hillary Clinton seems poised to lose the Democratic nomination, they’re even more dejected that there appear to be no women with enough political stature to run for president next time. That’s why Barack Obama and John McCain need to pick female running mates. Either that or we’re going to have to find some money in the federal budget for 150 million flower bouquets.
Most Americans only notice politicians in a presidential campaign (who’s more famous: House Minority Leader John Boehner or Chairman of the Domestic Policy Subcommittee of the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform Dennis Kucinich?), so a female vice presidential candidate would instantly become a front-runner in 2012 or 2016. This plan is so foolproof it even worked for a little while for Joe Lieberman.
Sure, Sen. Jim Webb, the former secretary of the Navy, might make Obama look a tiny bit more commander-in-chiefy, and Mike Huckabee might make McCain appear a little more gay-hatey, but those are calculations you make when you don’t have a nation of ticked-off women to contend with. In 2003, Kobe Bryant wasn’t worrying about whether he should pass more to Rick Fox or Derek Fisher; he was just looking for the biggest damn diamond he could find.
Luckily, there are lots of good female veep options for both candidates, though they have to be careful not to pick someone so old that they will die in eight years and therefore be ineligible to run for president. That’s usually a tough find in a politician -- the one job we, for some reason, let old people do -- but it turns out women live a ridiculously long time. Sure, Democrat Sen. Dianne Feinstein will turn 83 in 2016, and Republican Sen. Elizabeth Dole will turn 80, but that’s prime aqua aerobics time. If women of that age couldn’t run a meeting, there would be no functional condo clubhouses in Fort Lauderdale.
But there’s also a pick of young chicks. For Obama, it could be Arizona Gov. Janet Napolitano, Kansas Gov. Kathleen Sebelius, spunky Louisiana Sen. Mary Landrieu, Missouri Sen. Claire McCaskill or Washington Sen. Patty Murray. And if he really cared about making ladies happy: Oprah Winfrey. Congressional sessions will be a lot more exciting if the Senate president is pointing at people and yelling, “You get a tax rebate! You get a tax rebate! And you get a tax rebate!”
McCain could go with Maine Sen. Olympia Snowe, Texas Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchison, fightin’ Condoleezza Rice, former EPA chief Christine Todd Whitman or -- in a choice designed to please both genders -- Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin, who is the best-looking non-Romney governor in our nation’s history.
Will a female vice president really satisfy women? Of course not. But what does? The point is that we’ll be showing them we understand that their frustration is legitimate, and that we’re hearing them, and that we’re ready to listen. That stuff will totally buy us until November.