If the Dodgers go up for sale, he wants to buy

As you know, the former luxury-box smoochers who own the Dodgers are kaput, the trial beginning Monday and the opinion here is that it will lead to the sale of the Dodgers.

Please, please, hold your applause.

Apparently, others have come to the same conclusion, Manager Joe Torre approached recently by someone who would like to join him, buy the team and have Torre run it a la Nolan Ryan and the Texas Rangers.

“I get people who make all kinds of suggestions all the time, and especially with the mood of everything going on around here right now it’s not surprising,” said Torre, his way of confirming such an overture has been made.

But just as quickly he added, “some of these suggestions are real and some tongue in cheek and that’s something to discuss and determine at a later date.”

He’s already talking like an owner, the double talk all prim and proper, but is a Yankee really the right guy for the job?

Let me tell you, if I’m owner, I keep Scully.

I cannot say for sure Torre would do the same, for all I know the former Angels broadcaster might want to save a buck and serve as both owner and the play-by-play voice of the Dodgers.

There might be others interested in buying the Dodgers, but how did it go last time when unknowns from Boston took control?

With Page 2 you know what you would be getting, and so it really comes down to Torre or Page 2.

First order of business as your new owner of the Dodgers, I would be dropping the price to park, while offering Frank a chance to work the lot, given his experience and need to repay the money borrowed from his brother to support the soon-to-be ex-wife.

Whatever the cost, tell me it wouldn’t be worth it for the chance to waive to the Parking Lot Attendant as you passed by.

I would give Peter O’Malley his office back, so we might talk again about his plan to add a football stadium to the property.

I would spend whatever it takes to get the best players because it won’t be my money, and the fans here deserve the absolute best. I’m sure you agree with me, and when was the last time you agreed with a Dodgers owner?

No need to worry about a bodyguard for the wife and running off with him, she’s a grandma, and these days she’s only interested in rolling around with the grandkids. I know this for a fact.

I have already spent a lot of time with Arte Moreno to better understand how to treat the customers, and when was the last time Torre left the dugout?

I would pay Jamey Carroll extra, and invite all kids to hang around the mascot, a terrific self-esteem boost — every kid thinking they might one day play big league ball.

To be fair, I hope you would be open-minded and not hold this fourth-place, disastrous, embarrassing, horrific flop of a season against Torre.

I’m sure it will be different next season with his boy, Donnie Baseball, calling the shots — on most nights, I’m pretty sure, even turning in the correct lineup card.

I know if Torre became owner it would play well across the country, Torre admired for his success and decency as a human being.

He’s got me there, but who knows more about the Dodgers and getting the most out of them? Who is better at prodding, pushing and punishing them so they might better entertain you, the fans?

By the way, I would have every player sign autographs before every game. Almost none of them sign now, and it’s not like they can argue they would play any worse if asked to mix with the unwashed for a few minutes after batting practice.

As for the money needed to buy the Dodgers, as you might’ve guessed, the newspaper will not be able to help. Something about bankruptcy, and who knew the paper would be worse off than the McCourts?

No sweat. I basically have all the financing lined up just as soon as I get the time to make the calls. A little surprised they haven’t already called me. I’m counting on my old football pals, Eli Broad and Ron Burkle, as well as Donald Sterling, who would certainly be a silent partner.

These are civic-minded successful men who would agree they have more money than they will ever need, and since the Dodgers are an L.A. treasure and in serious decline, what a better legacy than making sure the treasure falls into the right hands.

They are too busy to really run a team as owner or be interviewed by Plaschke, so the thankless job would be mine.

Just think of the goodwill Broad/Burkle/Silent Partner will enjoy, football and baseball together in Chavez Ravine, a sure bet given all of Page 2’s NFL contacts and relationship with Commissioner Roger Goodell.

I would have Tim Leiweke oversee the project in exchange for all visiting teams staying in his new L.A. Live hotel, and would open the new football stadium with the Lakers playing the Heat.

Let’s see Torre beat that.

THIS IS the kind of year it has been for the Angels. One of the hottest days of the year, game-time temperature Tuesday night 84 degrees, and everyone in attendance received a fleece blanket.

TODAY’S LAST word comes in e-mail from Jack McGee:

“I have made my living writing and teaching writing in high schools and colleges for fifty years….Your copy this morning was so bad that I feel you owe me a sincere apology and any reader who tried to figure out what the Kiffin story’s theme and purpose was. There are, at least, four or five blatantly unintelligible paragraphs in your Kiffin column.

“Don’t you understand that a parenthetical phrase requires a referent?”

Talk about a blatantly unintelligible paragraph.

t.j.simers@latimes.com

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