Man of the House: Free kicks from a youth soccer coach

The all-purpose, welcome-to-the-soccer-team e-mail:

Dear Tiger Shark parents,

Welcome to another season of youth soccer. We begin this season as we begin every season, with excitement over the new friends we will make and the experiences we will share.

First, let me just thank all the parents who have volunteered to pitch in to help the team in every way possible. Actually, not a single person has stepped up yet, but I still have high hopes. For selfless dedication is the lifeblood of a volunteer-based league like ours.

I have been coaching now for some 20 years. During this time, I have met hundreds of parents, many of whom are still speaking to me today. It is these kinds of lasting relationships that make youth sports so worthwhile.

Why do I do it? Well, like most parents, I coach because I love kids. I also welcome the opportunity to get away from my wife and other children. If you’ve been married for any length of time — or met my wife and children — I think you know what I am talking about.

Mine is a good marriage, rich with conversation, occasional intimacy and a shared appreciation for all the benefits of family life. Somehow, though, we seem to have raised the sort of kids who will take the last cookie and leave the container in the cupboard for someone else to throw out later.

This was not easy. Hundreds of thousands of dollars went into raising kids like these. Except for the cookie thing, and their various run-ins with authorities, we are very proud of all our children.

See, instilling values at a young age is very important to my wife and me, and it all starts with parent-supported youth leagues like ours. Do we play to win? No way. What we play for is total world domination. We’re not satisfied with merely crushing an opponent. What we seek is a notarized treaty of surrender and the deed to all future property the young boys may one day acquire.

Of course, some coaches think this is a little excessive for a league of 6- and 7-year-olds. They say that goals like “crushing an opponent” should wait till the children are at least 8 or 9.

To which we respond: Waiting is for losers.

Here are some answers to some frequently asked questions from parents:

Question: Do I have to attend all my son’s games, even the 8 a.m. ones?

Answer: Yes, you should plan to attend all your son’s games. In my experience, seeing at least one parent on the sidelines helps to motivate the youngster and keep him from wandering off to Hooters during halftime.

Can I throw things at the ref to motivate him/her to focus better?

I’ll leave that to you. But I will remind you that most youth soccer programs employ parent referees who are volunteering out of the kindness of their hearts. This does not mean they are any good. Still, most leagues discourage throwing objects at the refs. Unacceptable behavior like this is best left up to the coaches.

What do you do in late August when the kids have been home from camp for two or three weeks and are just driving you completely bonkers, from sunup to sundown, and the Chardonnay is about to run out? What do you do then, huh?

This is a question I get a lot, especially from my wife. I recommend horse sedatives, noise-canceling headphones and a little perspective. Kids don’t last forever. They grow up fast. Not fast enough in some cases. These days, most of them don’t move out till around age 40.

Why do computers suck so much? Mine is always on the fritz.

Ideally, a computer would run like a refrigerator. You’d plug it in and for 20 years it would be a reliable appliance. But computers are built by extremely smart young men and women who don’t know their butts from an airplane hangar. Just when you think yours is running OK, the company will “upgrade” something and it will never work again. Evidently, this is something we’ll just have to get used to.

Are you crazy?

Completely. As I said, I’ve been coaching for 20 years.

But obviously, coaching is a 24/7 commitment, and I take my obligations very seriously. Please feel free to contact me at any time, though not during work hours, when I mostly concentrate on my 44 fantasy football teams. And especially not when I’m home, because this is “me time,” and I’m often asleep in front of the TV.

At any other time, I welcome all your questions and comments.

Go, Tiger Sharks!

Sincerely, Coach Chris

chris.erskine@latimes.com