Doesn’t baby love grandma the most?

Dear Amy: I have been worried about my mother’s mental health for some time. I love her, but I (and many others in my circle of family and friends) have long suspected that something is wrong with her.

After much research and consulting with two therapists, we believe that she suffers from narcissistic personality disorder, and because of this she does not respond well to criticism and will not receive treatment.

I am now expecting a child, and I want my mother to be a major part of my child’s life, but with her unpredictable behavior, I am not certain I even want to her to be around my child.

My siblings and I see no alternative other than to cut her out of our lives until she agrees to seek help. We could use some advice for how to handle to situation.

Concerned Daughter

Dear Concerned: Diagnosing other people is a tricky business for untrained people like you (and me), and the problem with ultimatums is that in order to work, an ultimatum may have no wiggle room.

Bringing a child into the family fills a new parent with equal measures of hope and anxiety, but these two states don’t allow for the middle ground of experience, where things are complicated.

If you were able to force your mother into treatment but the treatment didn’t work, would you still want her in your life? If you were able to completely cut yourselves off from her, would you suffer or be relieved -- or a measure of both?

The best path might be one of understanding, clear boundaries and vigilance. Of course, you shouldn’t tolerate abuse and you shouldn’t expose your child to a person who may harm her (or you), but your mother might be tolerable in small, controlled doses, and the grandchild’s presence may prompt her into treatment.

I hope you’re visiting therapists not just to confirm your hunch about your mother. It can’t have been easy to grow up with this kind of parent; you should get professional help.

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Dear Amy: I have a solution for the person who complained about a relative’s habitually sending Christmas gifts long after Christmas.

The next time gifts arrive well past Christmas, don’t open them until the following Christmas. Then send a nice thank-you card and remark on how early the gift was this year.

Happy to Help in Chicago

Dear Happy: I dare say there are many fruitcakes that would improve with time.

Send questions to Amy Dickinson by e-mail to askamy@tribune.com or by mail to Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.