Not in love with her husband

Dear Amy: I have been married for 17 years and we have two great kids, ages 9 and 11. I fell out of love with my husband several years ago.

I have not told him this because I don’t want to hurt him, and I don’t feel right about ending the marriage right now because it would hurt the kids. But every day I have an ache inside me because I know I’m not happy in this marriage.

I would be willing to try counseling, but we actually get along fairly well.

I’m torn between sparing my family any pain and my secret sadness that I’m not living an authentic life.

There must be other people out there in this situation. Is there a solution, or does it just come down to a choice between being selfish versus being unhappy?

Secretly Unhappy

Dear Unhappy: I venture that your feelings are common -- certainly at midlife. Your desire to live a life you see as “authentic” is laudable. So is your concern about how your choices will affect your family.

However, aside from leaving your marriage, you don’t seem to have a goal. Therapy may not bring you back into love with your husband, but talking with a compassionate therapist would definitely help you.

Therapy will also help you to frame ways to discuss this with your husband. You should start by seeing a counselor on your own.

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Dear Amy: My wife and I were married in 1968, divorced in 1972 and lived apart for six months before getting back together. We remarried again in 1978 and have been happy ever since.

My wife has always wanted to celebrate the 1968 anniversary, but I have two sisters who take issue with us, saying we’ve been married for 31 years instead of 41 years. One sister has made remarks that have almost ended our relationship.

I know I can’t change my sisters’ attitude, and I refuse to go against my wife’s wishes.

Is there a resolution?

Troubled in Vancouver

Dear Troubled: The resolution to this problem lies in your ability to remember to whom you are married.

Your relationship with your wife is the one you are celebrating. Your sisters’ views on how to count the years are immaterial. Ignore them.

Send questions to Amy Dickinson by e-mail to askamy@tribune.com.