French are practically toast, and England’s getting roasted

Reporting from Johannesburg, South Africa

The second-most-popular sport in South Africa these days is not rugby or cricket or even simply keeping an eye open in the happy event that Charlize Theron passes by on a Johannesburg street.

No, the second-most popular sport is second-guessing, followed very closely by howling in outrage.

The more underachieving performances there are by supposedly legitimate World Cup contenders, the higher the volume of anger. For some teams, it has reached vuvuzela levels.

Take France, for instance. No, really, please, take it.

Coach Raymond Domenech’s Les Bleus have been astonishingly mediocre. They were shut out by Uruguay in their first match and shut out by Mexico in their second.

During halftime of the second game, forward Nicolas Anelka and Domenech went toe to toe in the locker room over Domenech’s tactics, or lack thereof. Anelka apparently used some crude and colorful language. Domenech used his clout. On Saturday, he bid Anelka adieu and sent him home.

The French media has been scathing, none more so than the sports daily L’Equipe, which said that the players “don’t give a damn” and that the French soccer federation is run by “headless chickens.”

All this came after the Germans, one of whose favorite sports is bashing the French, had taken aim and fired.

“The French are, for the moment, the biggest disappointment of the World Cup,” said former German World Cup-winning player and coach Franz Beckenbauer. “The manner in which they played against Mexico is unworthy of a World Cup.”

And then Germany lost to Serbia.

Elsewhere, Frenchman Arsene Wenger has also turned into a critic, albeit in a tongue-in-cheek way.

After watching England’s woeful performance when it was tied by Algeria on Friday night, Wenger, the coach of Arsenal in the English Premier League, said: “I’m surprised England fans booed. . . . I thought they were asleep.”

The Three Lions, now with two ties and one goal to show for their efforts under $10-million-a-year Italian coach Fabio Capello, were dreary in the extreme. England’s media were unforgiving in the wake of the latest performance in Cape Town.

“Cape Clowns,” said the headline in the tabloid Daily Mirror.

“House of Wincer,” proclaimed the Sun, which accompanied its report with a photograph of England’s two House of Windsor princes, William and Harry, watching the game with bored expressions.

Meanwhile, stuck-in-a-rut forward Wayne Rooney had to say sorry Saturday for rounding on England’s fans the night before.

“Nice to see your own fans booing you,” Rooney had said before adding a more expletive-sprinkled addendum. On Saturday, he apologized “for any offense caused.”

The players and coaches are under immense pressure, to be sure, and it only adds to their frustration when results do not go their way. But even winning doesn’t help.

The Dutch, for instance, have won both their matches. They clinched their place in the final 16 on Saturday when they defeated Japan, 1-0, and Denmark ousted Cameroon, 2-1. Even so, the Dutch have been criticized for not playing attractively enough.

“Of course we want to win playing great football, but the important thing is that we learn to win ugly games,” Coach Bert Van Marwijk said. “At this level, you see that no match is straightforward, as has also been the case for other teams like England and Spain.”

Indeed, European champion Spain was rounded on by Luis Aragones, the coach who led it to its Euro 2008 title, after it lost its opening game, 1-0, to Switzerland. “There wasn’t enough conviction.” Aragones said.

The Spanish media put it bluntly. “A Nightmare Start,” said El Mundo. The sports daily Marca called it a “Dose of Humility.”

That was mild compared with what Australia came in for after its opening 4-0 loss to Germany. Former Australia player Craig Foster, now a television analyst for SBS, held nothing back when targeting Coach Pim Verbeek.

“It’s not Pim Verbeek’s team, it’s ours,” he said. “It’s Australia’s. He’s getting two million bucks a year to send us out in a World Cup and get crucified with no attempt to play anything. I would have walked down after the game and sacked him, because it’s not good enough.”

“We could go out with another 3-0 loss against Ghana, and what have we showed the world? Zero.”

The tirade might have had some effect. On Saturday, the Aussies held on for dear life and tied Ghana, 1-1, to stay alive, at least for the moment.

Finally, on a happy note, the French television station Canal+ has come up with the technology to broadcast vuvuzela-free World Cup games.

Amid all the sound and fury, then, a note of pure joy.

grahame.jones@latimes.com