NOTE: This is a blog about two guys attempting to lose weight over a six-week period. They kicked off their weight loss “strategies” on Jan. 10.
Even though we’ve been writing these blog entries for two weeks now, clearly stating that these are our personal journeys to better health, some of our critics insist on being confused.
“Your diet is crap,” one woman wrote.
RELATED: Soul food is not sinful.
“Utterly idiotic” wrote another, who then complained that our first person accounts upset her because they didn’t contain any “ACTUAL REPORTING.”
Instead of boring the huge portion of the audience who understands the simple fact that these are blog posts (not a news article or feature story) based on our personal insights and discoveries that we make on our weird little paths to better health, I’m just going to give the haters what they want and conduct an exclusive interview.
With my stomach.
Hi, Tony. I see you’ve lost your mind.
Perhaps, but I’ve also lost three pounds in two weeks.
Like I said, you lost your mind. I doubt it weighed that much, but you were always a little hard-headed.
Why are you so negative, stomach?
Where should I begin? Oh, I know, let’s start at how you’re trying to destroy me.
Not “trying” to destroy you. Actually destroying you. But not really. Just molding you, shaping you, regaining control over you.
Fine, but what’s with all this silly salad?
That’s how it’s done, tummy!
It’s gross. It’s been weeks without any seriously good food.
You know, you say that but you’ve been pretty quiet down there. No gurgling, no pains, no weird sounds in the middle of the night as you finally break down the last of the Panda Express.
Yeah, because I’m stunned that Tony Pierce hasn’t made a run for the border in weeks. I’m speechless over here.
Good. Nobody asked you anyway. You sat there as I downed deep dish pizzas, deep fried tacos, M&M’s right out of the 2-pound bag, soda right out of the 2-liter bottles, Ben & Jerry’s Phish Food, and gallons of beer, and you didn’t ask for a time out or protest or kick any back. You accepted it and made room for more.
Oh, so now this is my fault?
When I was young, stomach, you’d barely let me eat a full slice of pizza. I had to carry Pepto-Bismol in the glove box of my car. In college I’d fill my cafeteria tray with the dorm food, but all I’d end up eating was the Jell-O cuz you’d give me a hard time with anything with any substance.
Are you trying to make me cry? It’s not working. In fact, boo hoo, you were thin, you should be thanking me.
I have no problems with any of that. It’s after college when you suddenly changed and everything went down smoothly. Extreme Cheetos, fried shrimp, Chinese food from $1 Chinese places in strip malls -- no worries. The skies opened, I could eat anything, and as much as I wanted. And it was delicious.
And I’m to blame, why?
You know, you’re not to blame. You just need to be tamed. If you’ll hold anything down then I’m gonna fill you up with all those natural things you convinced me you didn’t like when I was young.
I hate you.
And like that ice skater said on “Howard Stern” the other day, if I slowly just eat less and less, you’ll shrink. And if I keep going to the gym that everyone said I’d never go to, you’ll shrink even faster.
First of all, I don’t believe you. You’re all talk. You’ve said this before and you just return to your old ways in no time. So you know what, fine, I’ll sit here and wait you out. McRibs will be back again soon and you’ll crumble.
I may not win all the battles, belly, but I somehow wind up on top in the end.
Whatever, navel gazer.
Food for the day: Granola bar and water for breakfast. Chicken tofu salad for lunch with apple juice. Rushed out to see the Brand X rock show at the Gene Autry Museum and drank a Ranger IPA beer chased down with a Maker’s Mark and water. Turkey sandwich and 16 Wheat Thins for dinner. And a glass of grape juice.