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Rebooting Charlie Sheen: His famous roles, through a 2011 prism

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Before he became a circus act, late-night punchline and beacon of self-parody, Charlie Sheen was actually a pretty good actor. He thinks so, too, reminding us on ’20/20' this week that, “Guys, IMDB, right there, 62 movies and a ton of success. Come on, bro, I won Best Picture at 20. I wasn’t even trying.’

And indeed, he’s had a number of acclaimed hits over years. But Hollywood always loves a good reboot, which makes us wonder how some of the movies would look if Charlie Sheen circa 2011 tackled them. We went to IMDB and did a little revisionist fiddling.

‘Major League’
A new owner has taken over the Cleveland Indians, but a talented young pitcher with a mean fastball and poor eyesight doesn’t like him. The pitcher calls the owner names in a postgame press conference and refuses to take the mound unless he’s paid $3 million per pitch. The team goes on to lose 12 games in a row, but the pitcher utters the word ‘winning’ every five seconds anyway.

‘Platoon’
A young recruit in Vietnam is blamed for the injuries of a wounded soldier. It looks like the soldier will bleed out, but fortunately a passing tiger is able to provide his blood, and a transfusion is performed. The recruit nurses the soldier back to health, and in a climactic battlefield speech, he tells the soldier that dying is for fools and amateurs. Then the two bang 7-gram rocks.

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‘Wall Street’
A corporate raider takes a young stockbroker under his wing. Friction soon develops, however, when the broker tires of pretending he’s not special, so the broker cooperates with the Feds to defeat his mentor. In the final scene, the broker tells off the raider, saying he has converted his tin-can stocks into gold and has improved his skill at a pace that the raider’s unevolved mind cannot process.

‘Young Guns’
A fight between rival ranchers in the late 19th century results in the formation of a group of outlaws, who create havoc as they go on the lam. Their violent rampage is abruptly halted, however, when one of the outlaws is unable to go more than two hours without giving an interview.

‘Hot Shots’
A Navy pilot is brought out of retirement for a secret mission. It appears to be going well until it’s revealed the the commander is a Vatican assassin warlock who wants the pilot to sabotage the operation. It turns out not to matter, though, when the pilot joins Twitter and get his own satellite radio show.

RELATED:

Has anyone ever Out-Sheened Charlie Sheen?

Charlie Sheen steps up fights with public tirades

Critics Notebook: Charlie Sheen’s last straw

--Steven Zeitchik

twitter.com/ZeitchikLAT


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