PREACH IT! Gary Coleman penis story now officially a saga


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This just in from the Department of Gary Coleman’s Penis: The penis has gained an unlikely new ally. For those just joining us: The diminutive actor is threatening legal action against a production company. The company has produced a yet-to-be released documentary that includes a shot of Coleman’s What-You-Talkin’-’Bout. The flick, ‘Midgets vs. Mascots’, really doesn’t have much to do with Coleman’s penis, but when the opportunity presented itself, the filmmakers made sure to capture the footage for all posterity.

Now comes word that basketball great Scottie Pippen is displeased with the filmmakers as well. He has released a statement -- funneled to us by, natch, Camp Coleman -- that indicates that the athlete also participated in the film, that he regrets that fact, and that some people of small stature may have it out for him.


The full statement follows:

‘Given the recent controversy surrounding Gary Coleman, the fact that I’ve been repeatedly asked questions about my small part in the movie ‘Midgets vs. Mascots,’ and a related video posted online which shows me being assaulted by a group of Little People, I want to clear up any misunderstandings. ‘In 2008, I agreed to play a cameo role in a movie titled ‘A Tribute to Big Red’ (now titled ‘Midgets vs. Mascots’). My role was scripted, and the first two scenes went off without any problems. During the third scene, I was told that four Little People, along with actor Gary Coleman, were going to become angry with something I said and storm off as the scene ends. Instead, they basically attacked me, with Gary Coleman apparently climbing on a chair behind me to hit me over the head with a phone (twice). ‘A short fight ensued before I heard the film’s director yell ‘cut.’ As I recall, some of the Little People were laughing as the director explained that the scene was ‘sort of like an episode of the TV show ‘Punk’d’. At that point, I left quickly without a clear understanding of what was going on. ‘As for the Little Person who claims he was injured in the attack, I really don’t think I caused the injury or can be held to blame. To the best of my knowledge, there is no action being taken against me, nor am I pursuing any action. For the record, I have never seen the movie and, in hindsight, wish I’d not been involved with it. I simply wanted to make clear my role and position as I understand the movie is coming out soon. I will not be answering any further questions regarding the film.’

Oh, maybe you won’t answer further questions, but someone will. And when that happens, we look forward to being educated by Camp Coleman. Or maybe not.

The official contact for that statement up there? The same guy who’s issuing statements on behalf of the filmmakers.

Don’t try to wrap your head around it. Just let the confusion and joy wash over you.

-- Leslie Gornstein

Below? That’s Sharon Stone in ‘Basic Instinct 2.’ The Ministry, surprisingly, has not been contacted by anyone affiliated with that film. Credits, from top: Allen J. Schaben / Los Angeles Times; Gabriel Bouys / AFP / Getty Images; Bill Kaye.

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