Mad Man’s day one in the Smart 4two

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Meet Peter Mooney, a native Angelino, currently residing in Fullerton, California whose decidedly twisted view of the car culture was fully formed -- and irreversibly tainted -- by the 25 years he spent as an automotive advertising creative chief. His job was to create car commercials, radio spots, magazine ads, outdoor billboards and the like -- thus the nickname of Mad Man. Brands including Acura, Isuzu, Volkswagen and Audi have benefited from Peter’s outrageously original musings and now, so might you.

Before I tell you about my experience test-driving the new Smart Car around and around until I got a real sense of its purpose in this world, you should know something about me. Mainly, after too many years in the automotive advertising field, I am a cynic of the highest order. (Maybe it would be the lowest order? I suppose it depends on whether you see the glass as half full, half empty, or as in my case, you ask, what glass?)

Yes, I see the world through a windshield darkly. At least compared to the incredibly cheerful people who moved here from Michigan by the trillions to get out of the snow and have made our freeways the largest parking lots in the observable universe. But I’m happy if they’re happy and willing to overlook the fact they’ve made my life less enjoyable.

But the good news is if they all switch to driving the new Smart Cars, our existing freeway system could accommodate all the immigrants in the entire world. Which would be good since they’re already here. Plus, our surface streets would much safer to cross since the Smart Car is so incredibly tiny, I imagine you could be run over several times by one and be left with nothing more serious than a possible need to wash the tire marks off your shirt and trousers. Maybe it’s why they call it a Smart Car.

Otherwise, I’m still trying to figure out why driving one is so Smart in a city where cell phone enthusiasts drive gigantic SUVs like they actually wanted to kill you. Maybe it’s because the Smart Car would take the sport out of it for these regular sedan hunters. I bet they couldn’t really claim it as a legitimate kill. But they tell me the Smart Car is incredibly safe.

I found this video on the web showing a Smart Car running head on into a wall and suffering little more than scaring the driver to death. I think that’s great. But what if that’s the only thing it’s safe doing? How often to you purposely drive top speed into a solid wall and if it’s a lot, do the issuers of your life insurance policy know about this?

I never drive full speed into a wall. Thoughtful of a wife and two children, I slow down first. I barely destroy the bumper, hood and engine compartment. But now in a Smart Car I can press down harder on the accelerator with almost complete confidence, reaching the wall faster than I ever. Hence, to borrow a frequent observation of Martha Stewart’s, “And that’s a good thing!”

-- Peter Mooney