Opinion: Here in my car, I feel safest of all. I can lock all the doors. It’s the only way to live, in cars.
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It’s hard not to be moved by the possible death of the SUV and the looming discontinuation of the Hummer (or even more humiliating, the potential sale of the line to Tata — a company best known stateside for producing the cheapest car on Earth, which is pretty much the opposite of the celebration of big, piggy wastefulness that makes the light-truck category so appealing). Along with all the never-painstakingly-disguised schadenfreude evident in negative SUV prognoses, isn’t anybody sad to see the passing of these giants?
No vehicle makes me feel like Tiny Elvis better than the Cadillac Escalade. Observe the girth and you too must exclaim, ‘That thing’s huge!’
Don’t let the foreshortening trick you: There are actually two full cars between the Escalade and the Porsche in this picture. I was surprised to discover that the Escalade is not actually the largest SUV; it measures up a shade smaller than the Chevy Suburban. There must be something in the shape of it, the classic hard-angled Cadillacitude that just makes it seem bigger and more impressive than anything else on the road.
I might feel better about the end of the big-car era if I thought the most dangerous effect of auto-heft will vanish with it: the sense of indestructibility it confers on drivers. There’s something about driving a rattling tin can that reminds you of your own mortality and (in principle at least), encourages you to drive with caution. But as big cars fade and we get ready for the strictly aesthetic ban on handheld cell phone use while driving, it’s dismaying how many eaters, drinkers and makeup appliers are still out there, treating a moving vehicle as a personal boudoir or breakfast nook. Lately I’ve been noticing many cases of people eating with a spoon from a styrofoam dish. Is that a new thing? I mean, how can it be a good idea to have both hands occupied while you’re driving? How hungry can you get?
Anyway, if you want to catch me being a menace to the road, here’s my own death machine. But please, if you’re going to take a shot at me or run me off the road, make sure I’m alone. I drive my kids around a lot in this (manual transmission!) beauty:
And even I’ll be getting out of my car soon, as the school year’s about to end and I’m eager to get back on the bus and pack all my troubles away.
As always, everybody talks about the problem but only Robbie Knievel is doing something about it. The scandalously underappreciated daredevil jumped over 21 Hummers this weekend.