Self-Awareness Has Put a New Light on Game of Baseball

I phoned my secret inside source at Dodgertown to catch up on the latest team rumors and problems.

Such as:

What’s this business about Pedro Guerrero not wanting to play third base?

“That’s right,” said Deep Fungo, my secret source. “Pedro wants to play center field.”

But the team has a center fielder, and it doesn’t have a third baseman. Did anyone explain this to him?

“Sure, but he figures he’s making enough of a sacrifice for the team by not demanding a contract renegotiation.”

What? Guerrero signed a new contract just last year, for $1,270,000 a season!

“But there are already 13 players in the big leagues with bigger contracts. Pedro figures if he’s going to play ball for a bargain price, he should at least be able to choose his position.”

What’s wrong with third base?

“Too noisy, too congested. Pedro’s a country kid at heart, he yearns to return to the rural atmosphere of center field. Besides, he came to camp at 203 pounds this spring, 20 pounds under what he reported at last spring.”

That’s when he thought the Dodgers wanted him to play outside linebacker.

“Right. Anyway, if Pedro plays third, he has to bend over most of the time, and nobody will even notice his svelte new waistline, and all the winter dieting will have been for naught.”

Gee, what ever happened to the days when a player played where the team needed him?

“Also known as the big-band era, pops. Where you been? Players today have increased self-awareness. They know what position best suits their skills and personality. They know that a happy player is a productive player.”

I guess you’re right, Deep. So that’s the only problem in camp right now, trying to convince Guerrero to play a position he doesn’t like?

“Are you kidding? There are several other players who want to move around.”

C’mon. Next you’re going to tell me Fernando Valenzuela is tired of pitching and wants to play first base.

“You’ve heard! Don’t tell me you’ve been secretly seeing another secret source?”

No, I swear, Fungo, you’re the only one. I was just kidding.

“Well, you hit it. Fernando is restless. He says he’s tired of being confined to that little mound. He wants to play the outfield.”

You’re nuts! Valenzuela is the Dodgers’ steadiest pitcher.

“I know, but he’s learning to read English, and the first book he picked up was ‘The Babe Ruth Story.’ Said it inspired him to explore his long-ball hitting potential.”

This is crazy. If Fernando plays the outfield, the Dodgers will be short one left-handed starting pitcher.

“No problem. Al Oliver has volunteered to fill that spot in the rotation.”

Oliver is a lefty, but he isn’t a pitcher. The scouting report on him is that his arm is barely adequate for a first baseman.

“Al claims he’s got a dandy knuckleball.”

So do I. Gee, looks like the fans will be seeing a lot of changes this season. Should be real exciting.

“I’ll say. I’m kind of curious myself to see how it all works out. Shortstop will be interesting, watching Scioscia out there.”

Hold it. Mike Scioscia? The catcher? The guy who would lose a foot race to Lasorda? He’s going to play shortstop?

“Mike’s been complaining for some time about playing behind the plate. Says he just can’t get the good commercial endorsements when he goes around wearing a mask all the time. His agent threatened to file a grievance with the union if Mike didn’t get a shot at short.”

Amazing. How is Lasorda taking all this?

“He doesn’t mind. He says a guy should be allowed to branch out and explore his whole being, to try new things.”

Who did he say that to?

“To Vin Scully. Lasorda wants to take over Scully’s job. O’Malley says that’s ridiculous. He says it’s Scully’s job until someone beats him out of it, fair and square. So Scully and Lasorda plan to settle this like gentlemen--mud wrestling, two falls out of three.”

This is all hard to believe. But I guess it’s the way baseball is these days, eh, Fungo?

“Right. Guys are simply refusing to be shoved into positions they don’t feel suited for. I tell ya’, this new attitude even affects the campers.”

Campers?

“You know, those fantasy camps, where rich guys pay money to play against former big leaguers? They’ve got one going here. Remember the famous rock group, The Who? They’re all here, and each guy in the band insisted on playing first base.”

You mean . . .

“That’s right. They’re playing a game right now, and The Who’s on first.”

The hell, you say.

“No, The Who. All four of ‘em.”

How?

“No, Howe’s in the bullpen, but he’s talking about trying second base.”