When It’s All Over, Will Television Ever Be the Same Again?

Television writer’s strike got you worried? Cheer up.

My sources inside the TV industry tell me that the shows will go on, in slightly altered form, with the assistance of the sports world.

Who needs writers when you can put sports people in real-life situations and simply let the cameras roll?

Here’s a sneak preview of some of the television shows we’ll be seeing when the currently stockpiled scripts run out. . . .

Magnum P.I.--The entire Detroit Tigers’ team, wearing Hawaiian shirts and Detroit Tigers’ caps, conducts an adventure-filled search for Sparky Anderson’s fugitive high school English teacher, who is wanted in connection with the brutal slaying of the English language.

Hijinks and suspense ensue as the players follow a trail of dangling participles and misplaced modifiers.

Rich Man, Poor Man--An in-depth investigation into the real financial status of Dr. Jerry Buss.

Love Boat--Skipper Dennis Conner takes over the helm of the Love Boat for a special match race from Acapulco to Oxnard, but loses to a crew of Australians aboard a garbage scow equipped with an Evinrude outboard and a mystery keel.

As the World Turns--Highlight footage of World B. Free’s most astounding spin shots.

Hill Street Blues--When the gang from the Hill Street Precinct take in a baseball game, they decide to find out what strange, white powder is packed in that little bag the pitcher keeps fiddling with. A chase ensues, through several inner-city alleys, and leads to the breakup of several cars and an international resin-smuggling ring.

In the same episode, the sensitive Capt. Frank Furillo, played by the sensitive Randall (Tex) Cobb, solves a neighborhood drug problem by locking all the pushers in a basement and forcing them to party non-stop until their drug supplies are exhausted.

Cheers--Cheerful barkeep Sam Malone tries to cheer up the gang at Cheers by hiring the cheerleaders recently fired by the L.A. Express to wait on tables. Sam’s good intentions go awry when he is arrested for violating a decency ordinance that requires an employee’s work uniform to contain at least as many square inches of material as in a cocktail napkin.

20/20--Major league baseball’s umpires, once and for all, put to rest baseball’s oldest insult by submitting to thorough eye exams. Earl Weaver protests the results.

Foulups, Bleeps and Blunders--Using videotape footage and a laugh track, major league baseball owners explain how, despite record attendance and TV money, they were able to lose a combined $66 million in 1983.

Little House on the Prairie--Turned away everywhere else, the Raiders set up preseason training headquarters at a boarding house in Beeler, Kansas.

Al (Pa) Davis strives to protect his players from such traditional prairie dangers as droughts, Indian attacks and Pete Rozelle lawsuits.

Hotel--Hijinks and bedlam ensue as a famous baseball team checks into the Hotel St. Francis for a weekend. The players snarl for room service, fight over the newsstand’s copies of The National Enquirer, and jam the elevators when they all try to leave at once following midnight bed check.

The Fall Guy--An in-depth profile of that poor ski jumper who crashes every week on the opening of Wide World of Sports.

Twilight Zone--Tommy Lasorda, a wise-cracking baseball manager, is driven to the brink of insanity by the mysterious disappearance of baseballs hit to his fielders.

Sesame Street--Playing it straight, Bert, Ernie and Big Bird try to tutor the UNLV football team back to scholastic eligibility.

As part of the package, the players also get a seminar from the noted nutritional consultant, Cookie Monster.

Mr. Belvedere--A proper English butler takes on his most difficult challenge--teaching banquet etiquette to John Riggins. Riggins fails his first big test when he falls asleep during a White House dinner. Fortunately for Riggins, so does the President.

Solid Gold--Doug Flutie, Magic Johnson and Mike Schmidt compare contracts.

WKRP in Cincinnati--When the disc jockeys are silenced by the writer’s strike, Pete Rose fills in 24 hours of radio air time by talking about what records he’ll break this year.

He demonstrates by breaking a Jackie Wilson record “Lonely Teardrops,” explaining, “Jack could hit the high notes, sure, but not the low curves.”