It Looks Like a Field Day for New Turf

“It was like a paid vacation.”

--George Brett, after playing his first game on the Kansas City Royals’ new AstroTurf-8 stadium surface.

“I don’t think this would have happened if it had been grass ... I landed with my wrist bent under and I couldn’t get my hands out from under me because there was no give to the surface, no slide.”

--Gary Pettis, after spraining a wrist diving on the Kansas City Royals’ new AstroTurf-8 stadium surface, earning himself a paid vacation.

AstroTurf is spreading like crabgrass. In baseball, smart teams are installing it, and smarter teams are using it to their advantage, tailoring the team to suit the surface.

The St. Louis Cardinals, for instance, play a brand of baseball that is as natural, as traditional and as frightening as teeing up and driving a golf ball in a tile bathroom. The Un-Grasshouse Gang beat the Dodgers Sunday by beating the ball into the phony turf and running out doubles and triples while the Dodgers waited for the ball to come down.

This exciting style of ball is bound to inspire creative use of new, synthetic sports surfaces in other events. In fact, I checked my mail for the past few weeks, and found some interesting press releases. A sampling:

AUGUSTA, Ga.--Augusta National, home of the Masters tournament, has cleaned up its act.

The entire golf course has been carpeted in AstroTurf.

“I think this will take care of all those player complaints about our bent grass,” a tournament spokesman said. “Now if any of the grass gets bent, we’ll send out a crew of guys to screw in new blades.

“We anticipate some criticism from traditionalists about this change, but hey, you gotta move with the times. We even let minorities play golf here, you know.

“I think spectators and golfers alike will appreciate the sanitation aspect of our new surface. Have you ever looked real close at natural grass? There’s all kinds of stuff down there--bugs, worms, even dirt. It’s disgusting. Hardly befitting an event of our stature.”

Augusta National is expected to play shorter now because of the bounciness of AstroTurf, but officials aren’t sure just how much shorter.

“A foursome of club members testing the course is still out on the first tee, waiting for their drives to stop rolling,” the spokesman said.

To further enhance the beauty and cleanliness of the course, the

famed dogwoods and azaleas have been weeded out and replaced with lifelike AstroShrub, in designer colors.

LOUISVILLE, Ky.--Pesky, dangerous, flying dirt clods and the distracting noise of pounding hoofs have been eliminated from horse racing’s most prestigious event.

Dirt is out at the Kentucky Derby. AstroDerbyDirt is in.

“With the horses wearing rubber shoes, made by Nike, running on this new surface, we expect to cut the time of the actual race in half,” a track steward at Churchill Downs said. “That will leave more time for betting, drinking, and TV commercials.”

PAMPLONA, Spain--The running of the bulls, a tradition in this quaint village for many years, will be faster and more exciting with the installation of AdiosTurf, a rubberized street-paving compound invented especially for this event.

“We expect to cut down on the number of grisly injuries, your gorings and your tramplings,” said Jose Toro, Pamplona chamber of commerce president. “On this AdiosTurf stuff, the runners can make sharper cuts, to evade the rampaging bulls. Your Walter Payton, he should make such cuts as these.”

When asked if the bulls would also be able to make sharper cuts on the new surface, Toro winked and said: “ Si .”

HOUSTON--The Astrodome, the stadium that first brought you AstroTurf, is proud to announce the installation of a revolutionary new playing surface--Greencrete.

Greencrete is concrete painted green.

“We’ve worked the bugs out,” said a spokesman for Acme Sand and Gravel, the company that developed Greencrete. “The first batches of this stuff looked real unnatural, but we have developed truer paints. Now, the similarity of our product to the color of real grass is remarkable. Frightening, even.”

The new surface not only wears longer than traditional synthetic grasses, but doesn’t trap chewing gum and sunflower seeds.

“This is the way baseball was meant to be played,” said Houston outfielder Terry Puhl, the first player to undergo the surgical installation of shock-absorbing AstroKnees. “It’s like a paid vacation at the beach, on AstroSand.”