Book Review : Self-Help Volume Fits Formula--Differently

Smart Cookies Don’t Crumble by Sonya Friedman (Putnam’s: $15.95)

One can recognize a formula that editors are giving to authors of self-help books that consists of case histories, quizzes to take, categories that you neatly fit yourself into, a journal to write in and techniques to improve yourself. Almost any trendy malady can be plugged in.

“Smart Cookies” fits the formula, but with a difference. Author Sonya Friedman has selected an area of great importance to a large segment of the American female population--the myth that life offers less challenge, less of everything, to women past the age of 30.

During her years as a clinical psychologist, Friedman met countless women over 30 who couldn’t get out of stagnant situations--an abusive husband, overbearing parents--and who crumbled after the most inevitable of life’s disappointments: the loss of a husband or lover or job. Most of these women saw their lives as a series of limitations.

A Door Closes, One Opens

It’s the “smart cookie” who remembers the timeworn--OK, cliched--adage: For every door that closes, another one opens. Consider what disappointments life delivers in those glorious 20s as merely a training ground, a time to gather those valuable, necessary skills of resilience for getting through the rest of your life and even enjoying it a little.

Friedman’s book examines the traps that keep many women tied to unhappy circumstances: excuses such as, “I’m too old”; “It’s too late”; learning to say no and be more assertive; and, this is the best--determining your type --are you a “good girl” or a “tough cookie.” Friedman does have some things to say about what she defines as the “New Eve” in her advice to newly married, the very married and restless (try changing your expectations of the marriage instead of trying to change the man) and to those married and contemplating divorce (recognize that you may be wanting to have a career while being a wife and mother).

Many women over 30 today were brought up on the notion that sex is a controlling factor in keeping a man and taught to use it as such. The women’s movement--and strides in contraception--brought into the focus the fact that sex could be more than a bargaining chip, it could be fun. But now women must deal with the issue of utter permissiveness. The ideal “New Eve,” according to Friedman, has evolved from all this sexual revolution and confusion allegedly comfortable with her sexuality and skeptical of “romantic love.” She questions if her good lover is a good man to love. She seeks men who share mutual interests and are compatible, true partners.

So whether you are a “good girl” who easily falls apart or already a “smart cookie,” a dose of this type of encouragement can’t hurt.