Missouri Keeps Making Winners of Perennial Losers

THE COLLEGES

Unstartable Missouri (0-4) became what is believed to be the first team ever to lose to Cal, Northwestern and Indiana in the same season. If not in the same century.

Nothing seems to help the Tigers. Last week, a self-proclaimed vampire named Vladimir Tepes (who said he was a 487th-year senior) visited the team to bring good luck. Earlier, the team switched uniforms, not so the players could hide their identities, but because Coach Woody Widenhofer thought they made the players look “like a bunch of Christmas trees.” Still, they give away games like Santas.

Tiger fans can only wish for the good old days, when Missouri would lose just half its games and rank near the top of the Middle Ten, a rating service for very average teams not carried by this newspaper.

But perhaps it’s best that the Tigers lead the Bottom Ten. After all, Missouri loves company.

The Rankings:

Team, Record Last Loss Next Loss 1. Missouri (0-4) 32-39, Cal Colorado 2. Knss St.(0-5) 6-41, Oklhma Idle 3. UTEP (0-5) Idle* Kent State 4. Tulane (0-5) 17-24, Vanderbilt Memphis State 5. Columbia (0-3) 14-46, Penn Prince 6. NtreDme (1-3) 15-21, Pentagon Idle 7. Stanford (1-3) 22-41, S.D. State UCLA 8. Hawaii (0-3-1) Tie Fresno St. Wyoming 9. Wash.St. (1-4) Idle* Orgn St. 10. Tulsa (1-4) 13-25, Okla. State CS Goose

11. San Jose State (1-4); 12. Wyoming (1-4); 13. Pentagon (at sea) (1-3); 14. Dartmouth (0-3); 15. Cornell (0-3); 16. Cal State Disneyland (1-3); 17. Colorado State (1-4); 18. Rice (1-3); 19. Houston (1-3); 20. Buffalo Bills (0-5).

* The Reagan Administration announced that 4.4% of the nation’s college football teams were idle last week, the highest figure since 1977.

ROUT OF THE WEEK: Indiana (4-0) over Ohio State (3-1) (if Ohio State dares shows up).

CRUMMY GAME OF THE WEEK: Hawaii (0-3-1) vs. Wyoming (1-4).

MOST-WANTED LIST: Tulane (0-5) is the homecoming opponent for its next three road opponents.

THE PROS

The magic number for the Lost Team of Atlanta is 11. Only 11 more games and then the off-season begins and the misery ends.

Not only are the Falcons winless, they’re also the only team that’s posted an 0-5 record against the point spread (a far greater crime in the minds of some). Atlanta is playing so badly that when the rumor cropped up that major league umpires might go on strike, some fans suggested that, as a sign of solidarity, the Falcons strike, too.

Elsewhere, the No. 4 Philadelphia Beagles (1-4) were the third straight club to fall to Super Bowl favorite New Orleans (3-2). Did the Saints again invoke the Curse of Macumba, named for a local witch doctor’s Python? “We called the same type of game plan,” Saint Coach Bum Phillips concurred.

Speaking of curses, NFL referees galloped for 223 yards at Cincinnati, 218 at Denver and 151 at New Orleans.

The Rankings:

Team, Record Last Loss Next Loss 1. Atlanta (0-5) 17-38, San Fr’isco Seattle 2. Buffalo (0-5) 17-49, Indnaplis Olde England 3. Tampa Bay (0-5) 19-27, Chicago Rams 4. Phldlpha (1-4) 21-23, N.Orleans St. Louis 5. Cincinnati (1-4) 20-29, N.J. Jets N.J. Giants

6. San Diego (2-3); 7. Houston (vs. NFL referees (0-2); 8. Pitt (2-3); 9. Olde England (2-3); 9 1/2. Washington (outscored, 14-64, in second half).

CRUMMY GAME OF THE WEEK: Buffalo (0-5) vs. Gloomy Olde England (2-3).

ROUT OF THE WEEK: New Orleans (plus Macumba) (3-2) over L.A. Raiders (3-2).

NOW THAT THE WAVE’S GONE...: Newest fan diversion at Rams’ games is for fans in the upper deck to toss dollar bills over the railing and watch children outside the stadium scramble for the floating loot.

SPECIAL CITATION: The Rams, who were the NFL’s top grossing team in 1984 (a reported $29.4 million), aren’t taking any chances about falling from No. 1 in 1985. Their cheapest beer now costs $2.75.