NHL Kings--Strangers in a Strange Land

Living in tinsel land, as I do, after more than three decades in the Midwest, it occurs to me that the only thing my new neighbors know about the game of hockey is that Paul Newman once played it in a movie.

I volunteered to take somebody to a Kings’ game one night, but he said he did not want to go all the way up to Sacramento. These people have pro basketball on the brain out here.

The Kings play hockey at the Forum, which is the same building where the tall guy in the goggles runs around in his golden trunks. You know his name. Everybody here knows his name. Everybody knows the basketball players, but the hockey players are not even household words in their own households.

If you ask somebody in Southern California who Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is, you will get a correct answer. But if you ask somebody in Southern California who Bernie Nicholls is, the best guess you will get is: “Kareem’s agent?”

Nicholls scored 100 points for the Kings last season. He is a very fine player. The only trouble is, he scored 100 points in a city where nobody knows how a hockey player scores points.

A woman I met in Los Angeles asked me how a hockey player scores points. I told her he gets three points for goals, two points for assists and one point for high-sticking. She said that sounded reasonable.

I told her that most of the Californians I had met knew nothing about a hockey rink except that they were not allowed to surf on it. Most of them thought the Calgary Flames were a Canadian Football League team. Toe Blake was a kicker. Boom Boom Geoffrion was a Roller Derby jammer. Jean Beliveau was an actress.

“If you’re so smart, why don’t you provide a guide to the National Hockey League for your new friends in Los Angeles?” my friend asked. I immediately slammed her into a wall and got a major misconduct.

But I did, at least, agree to give a little exam:

1. Phil and Tony Esposito:

(a) Were brothers who played hockey; (b) were gunmen in the Corleone family; (c) both played for the Montreal Espos; (d) both scored for Italy in the World Cup.

2. The captain of the Hartford Whalers is:

(a) Gregory Peck; (b) any kid in Connecticut with a pair of skates; (c) not likely to make the cover of Sports Illustrated; (d) not even likely to make the cover of Whalers Illustrated.

3. The Stanley Cup is:

(a) A protective device worn by a guy named Stanley; (b) a trophy that goes to the player who receives the most laurels; (c) probably going to remain in Edmonton for another five years; (d) made of Styrofoam.

4. The Boston Bruins play:

(a) On a parquet rink; (b) with a goalie named Pete Peeters; (c) with a goalie named Peete Peters; (d) without a goalie, they think they’re so tough.

5. The three Stastny brothers:

(a) Play for Quebec; (b) run a trucking business in the Bronx; (c) are named Moe, Larry and Shemp; (d) played with Paul Newman in “Slap Shot.”

6. In the NHL, the teams that qualify for the playoffs are:

(a) The ones who own their own sticks; (b) the ones who win at least seven games; (c) any team with a player named Sutter; (d) any team that forces customers to pay for tickets.

7. In the NHL, a guy who beats up opponents and spends most of his time in the penalty box is called:

(a) A hockey player; (b) an enforcer; (c) a goon; (d) coaching material.

8. Punch Imlach:

(a) contains fruit juice and lime; (b) any chance you get; (c) was the father of Kick Imlach; (d) played too many games without a helmet.

9. The six teams of the NHL in the 1960s were:

(a) Boston, Chicago, Detroit, Montreal, New York, Toronto; (b) Vancouver, Calgary, Winnipeg, Quebec, Kamloops and Nova Scotia; (c) the Tampa Bay Bandits, Arizona Outlaws, San Antonio Gunslingers, Orlando Renegades, Houston Gamblers and Jacksonville Bulls; (d) forced to use the same six players every game.

10. Gordie Howe played hockey:

(a) Until he got it right; (b) until he was 67 years old; (c) for the Pittsburgh Penguins; (d) on the line of Dewey, Hittem and Howe.

Feel free to give this little test to any of your friends who do not understand hockey. First, find out if they can name 10 hockey players. Second, ask them if they have ever attended a game. Third, see if they know what a Zamboni is. If they think it’s an Italian pastry, offer to buy them one.

After that, offer to take your friends to a game. Explain to them that the goaltender is not really that ugly; make sure they know that he is wearing a mask. Also be sure to explain to them that the other men skating on the ice, the officials, are in charge of doing nothing during fights.

If you have to, tell them that Kareem Abdul-Jabbar’s twin brother, Boom Boom Abdul-Jabbar, plays hockey for the Kings. Maybe this will get them to come to a game.

Something has to.