‘KANE & ABEL’ MINISERIES IS UNABLE TO RAISE CAIN

The Battle of the Network Miniseries continues.

ABC struck first this month with 12 silly hours of “North and South.” Now CBS is counterattacking with seven thudding hours of “Kane & Abel.”

“Kane & Abel” traces a big-mogul rivalry to the death between an American blueblood (Kane) and a Polish immigrant (Abel) who, despite living in the United States for 45 years, never loses or even softens his thick accent.

Miniseries comink real soon, 8 p.m. Sunday on Channels 2 and 8.

Hokay. Story, based on best seller by Jeffrey Archer, goes like this: In April, 1902, in forest near Slonim, Poland, baby born to peasant woman who dies. Adopted parents name him Wladek. Later, he goes to live with Polish nobleman and takes name of Abel Rosnovski.

On that same day, in a Boston hospital, William Lowell Kane is born to wealthy banker Lowell Kane and his wife, Anne. Bill Kane will lead a privileged life. After his father dies aboard the Titanic, his mother marries that scoundrel, David Osborne (David Dukes).

Meanwhile, Abel is imprisoned during World War I and then sent to Bolshevik prison camp in Siberia where is gettink very cold. When war starts, he is kid. When war over, few years later, he is Peter Strauss.

Meanwhile, Bill Kane becomes Sam Neill.

Next, Abel is in Constantinople about to get hands hacked off for stealing orange, but is rescued and shipped to America.

Meanwhile, Kane has his hands full with the scheming, philandering Osborne.

Meanwhile, there is a lot of eating in restaurants and smart talk, and a lot of mooching and smooching.

Meanwhile, Abel is really warmink to America, becoming hustler and saying things like: “You God-darned right!” He is elevating himself from job as waiter to hotel executive, heading Motel 6 chain. (Just kidding. Polish joke.) Abel is very good hotel executive. He says: “I want rooms always checked twice a day for burned-out bulbs.” So he is obviously feelink right at home.

Oh boy , is Abel feelink right at home. One eefenink, he is with girl. He is running finger along girl’s nape of neck, and in background is playing Chopin music. Just like real life. Then fire is roaring in fireplace. Just like real life. They are making love and fire keeps roaring. Just like real life. They are making love again and concertina music is playing and playing. Just like real life.

Meanwhile, when the great Crash of 1929 comes, Kane’s bank takes over the failing hotel chain that Abel works for and the two men become bitter enemies. Kane marries the lovely Kate Brooks (Veronica Hamel).

Meanwhile, Abel is marrying Zaphia (Alberta Watson), Polish doll he knew in intimate way on boat comink to America, and is becomink rich, too. He says: “I will make gold mines.”

Meanwhile, Kane continues being rich.

And Abel is hating Kane real bad.

Although a notch above “North and South,” “Kane & Abel” is still nothing to build three evenings around. The location filming in Europe often gives the production a nice look, but director Buzz Kulik’s fast cutting between the two future antagonists is confusing in the early going, and Strauss and Neill look 40ish when playing 20ish.

Strauss, so convincing as the descending Dick Diver in Showtime’s continuing “Tender Is the Night,” is often almost laughable as the ascending Abel. Neill makes a more effective Kane but does not even approach the brilliance of his performance in public TV’s “Reilly: Ace of Spies.”

The difference, of course, is in the writing.

There are no shadings or gradations in Robert W. Lenski’s script. No mysteries. No hidden cards. No half turns or side glances or odd angles. The story sits on your nose sort of like a fly that won’t leave.

Everything is predictable, on the surface and obvious in “Kane & Abel,” including its gaping flaws. When Kane informs his stepfather that his mother has died in childbirth, for example, Osborne is not even curious enough to ask how or why. He hardly seems surprised. He merely gets into an argument with Kane, sneers and walks out.

“Kane & Abel” is supposed to be a miniseries of intense power and passion. But is definitely not three eefeninks to remember.