‘HAREM’S’ A TURKEY AS HISTORY DRAMA

ABC’s “Harem” is about as bad as television gets. Not fun-bad, bad-bad.

The four hours(airing 9-11 p.m. Sunday and Monday on Channels 3, 7 and 10) seem like four years. The story--tailor-made for mental dwarfs--unwinds near Damascus shortly after the turn of the century as Jessica Gray, the American bride of a British diplomat, is kidnaped by Turkish rebels who trade her to the Sultan to gain the release of some of their men captured by Turkish troops.

Now comes the heavy part. The Sultan (Omar Sharif) doesn’t seem to notice that his empire is crumbling, because all he thinks about is sex, sex, sex. Jessica (Nancy Travis) is taken to the Sultan’s palace, a sort of Playboy Mansion East, where she looks like a good bet to become the head honey in his harem. But the Sultan’s present top babe (Ava Gardner) is plenty jealous.

Meanwhile, the rebel leader who captured Jessica, the dynamic Pasha (Art Malik), falls in love with her and gets a job in the Sultan’s palace, disguising himself as a eunuch. He hopes to liberate Jessica, who by this time, though, is sort of falling for the Sultan while lecturing him on running his empire, remaining a virgin and learning that “women weave waiting songs.” But Pasha is determined to have Jessica, and so don’t be surprised if the Sultan gets a bit testy.

Travis is very sweet, Sharif is Sharif, Malik (coming off a triumphant performance in “The Jewel in the Crown”) can now boast of being perhaps the only Pakistani to play a Turk, and Ava Gardner is, well, don’t ask. For good measure, bulky Yaphet Kotto is stunning as the Sultan’s top eunuch and Sarah Miles is a resourceful Englishwoman who goes “hither and dither.”

Actually, it is Billy Hale’s direction and Karol Ann Hoeffner’s script that goes hither and dither, producing a stupefying story lacking only in clarity, context and intelligence.

For the record, there is a bit more to contemporary Turkish history than sex. The weak Ottoman Empire finally collapsed in 1918 after a century of being known as the “sick man” of Europe and being vulturously eyed by other nations with territorial designs.

As you can see, “Harem” is penetrating history, so you’ll want to take notes.