HITTIN ON ‘HITCHER’

Let’s see:

A one-shot writer who gets off on infants drinking blood from their mother’s breast.

A script development executive who falls for introductory lines like, “The story grabs you by the guts.”

Two executive producers who bettered life as we know it by producing “Hamburger: The Motion Picture.”

A director who finds murderous policemen entertaining.

A Silver Screen/HBO honcho who refuses to film a scene in which a woman is torn in half, but then relents when the film makers find a way to make the scene “acceptable.”

A couple of producers who are shrewd enough to know that a deep-fried finger in a hamburger is far more aesthetically pleasing than an eyeball.

A trio of stars who go along with whatever the above-named suggest, regardless of their personal trepidations.

A releasing company that is contractually forced to distribute anything Silver Screen/HBO dumps on them.

Why was “The Hitcher” made?

How could it not be made? If cinematic retardation glowed in the dark, these folks as a group could rent themselves out as stadium lighting.

TOM MATTHEWS

Burbank