Mother Told Not to Give In to Pressure
Question: I am a single parent of two beautiful girls, 3 and 7. Over the past three years, we have rebuilt our lives.
My 3-year-old’s father has a problem with marijuana. I’ve watched it progress the same way addiction progresses in those dependent on “heavier” drugs. He goes back and forth from admitting he has a problem to denying it. He lies constantly. He smokes pot in front of his children (they told me), even when driving with them in the car. His depression, self-pity and self-righteousness have steadily increased. He has threatened to kill me and to take our daughter from me. He has kicked in my front door. Once he stole our daughter from day care.
On legal advice I’ve cut off all his access to us. His mother is terribly angry over my “unjust” treatment of her son. She denies he has a problem and accuses me of overreacting. She says I have no right to keep him from his daughter.
My past drug and alcohol abuse and the support I received during recovery taught me not to give in to such denial. I know I am not overreacting. I have learned that practicing alcoholics and addicts give up the right to practice their disease on the people who love them. I’ve also learned that my children and I have the right to live in a drug-free environment.
This man and his family face years of pain because of their denial of his disease. They are also robbing my daughter of her father.
Please tell your readers that denial of addiction, even to marijuana, costs dearly. Early intervention can save years of heartache and prevent wasted lives.
Answer: Denial is a defense used to keep things the way they are. It enables the user to keep on using his drug and it protects those closest to him from having to do something about it. Letting go of denial and admitting there is a problem is the first step toward recovery.
Denial always costs more than it’s worth. Any way to stop it can prevent incalculable waste.
I congratulate you for choosing the health and safety of your child over the pressure her father and his family are putting on you to give in. Stick to your guns. That 3-year-old is worth it.
Q: I came across a column you wrote about methadone and addiction. I too have a problem, with my VA hospital.
A while ago my counselor at the hospital advised me to begin taking methadone. I had become addicted to pain pills, which were first given to me for injuries I sustained in a severe accident.
After being hooked on methadone for nine months, I was advised that my eligibility status had been changed and that I had to undergo immediate detoxification. No one--my counselor included--helped me find another clinic or a place that offered treatment. I have no insurance. All I ever heard from the VA staff were questions about when I was going to pay the outstanding bills I supposedly owed.
The 180-mile round-trip I drove every day to obtain my methadone dose made it difficult to keep up my grades at school. My grades fell (my counselor said not to worry). I lost my scholarship and a good future career that had started to unfold for me.
I don’t pretend to be perfect, but I have lost nearly everything because of the pressure and bad advice the VA gave me. It seems to me that they should value health over money.
A: There are three things you can do:
--Pay any outstanding bills you may owe the VA hospital for its services. If you can’t afford to do that, work out a payment plan with them and stick to it.
--Find a new counselor and tell him or her what you’ve told me. You might start looking for one at your community mental health center. Look in your phone book for the number.
--Write to your members of Congress and ask him or her to look into the drug treatment services that your VA hospital is offering. In your letter, mention that you’re unhappy with the way your counselor handled your case. Congress funds and oversees the operation of the VA and generally is responsive to complaints.
