Treat Hostile Ex-Wife Like an Allergy

Question: Although I love my boyfriend very much, I have difficulty dealing with his ex-wife, whom we see quite often because she has custody of their children. (We pick them up every weekend.) She is a disturbed, angry woman who cannot stand the sight of me. Her vicious remarks about me are creating tension in my relationships with my boyfriend and the children. This situation threatens to wreck everything. What can I do?

Answer: Although the hostile reaction of your boyfriend’s ex-wife may be particularly intense, it is not uncommon. Perhaps a little empathy on your part will make it easier to endure.

In her book “Stepmotherhood” (Times Books, 1985), Cherie Burns writes about the bitter relationship between a woman and her husband’s ex-wife. After thinking over the situation, the second wife gained some insight into the ex-wife’s behavior: “She was stuck behind with the kids. She saw her husband go off and have a happy new life. She’ll never forgive and she’ll never forget. I’d feel the same way. He did her wrong. . . . I can’t guarantee that I’d act better in her shoes.”

This kind of understanding may help you to realize that her attacks are not as personal as they seem, but that doesn’t mean you do nothing else to smooth things over.

First of all, have as little contact with her as possible. Whenever possible, have your boyfriend pick up the children without you.

See if you can get your boyfriend to communicate to the children, “It’s understandable that your mother is angry and upset because there is another woman with me now, and you probably are too. So your mother says bad things about my new friend. But give my friend a chance and judge for yourself. In the meantime, I expect you to treat her politely.”

Try to avoid getting into battles with her, whether it be with her directly, or indirectly through your boyfriend or the children. And don’t expect that the situation will automatically improve because you are nice.

As Burns says, “Find a way to live with her, as you would an allergy. It’s likely to flare up from time to time, but you have to treat yourself.” (While “Stepmotherhood” is for women who marry men with children, it can also benefit women who are dating men with children, or men who are dating women with children.)

Q: More than four months ago, I left my husband because he verbally and physically abused me and our three children. I am unemployed and my savings are going fast. I desperately need financial help, but my husband refuses to talk about child support. How can I get him to pay?

A: If you can afford to hire a private lawyer, get one. Some lawyers will handle the case for a percentage of the child support collected in the future.

If you cannot find a lawyer you can afford, try the Office of Child Support Enforcement (OCSE). The OCSE is a cooperative project of state governments and the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. The OCSE can help with the following:

--Withhold child support from the non-custodial parent’s paycheck.

--Withhold overdue support from state and federal income-tax returns.

--Require non-supporters to guarantee that support will be paid.

--Seize property of a non-supporter to help pay support.

Remember, your children are entitled to support as much as circumstances allow. Your children can’t fight for it, so you have to do it for them.

But for everybody’s sake, try to go about it with as little anger as possible. If you need moral support, call the National Office of Parents Without Partners (800-638-8078) to find out whether there are support groups in your area.

Questions about the singles life may be addressed to Howard Halpern, On Your Own, Care of Special Features, Syndication Sales Corp., 200 Park Ave., New York, N.Y. 10166.