LET THE TV-RERUN GAMES BEGIN! : Time for Tallies, Beer Chugging and Meaningful Wagers

With the exception of a couple of prime-time cliff-hangers, the TV rerun season has fallen upon us. Personally, I couldn’t care less. As a sporadic viewer who spends more time yelling at tubal inanities than watching them, I’ve turned television watching into a sport all its own. Perhaps it will help some of you couch-potatoes from going through withdrawal.

I started playing these games in college. Years before “Saturday Night Live” lampooned him, a group of us gathered each Tuesday night for a meeting of the (Hawaii) “Five-O” Club, held expressly to have a lot of fun at Jack Lord’s expense.

To play “Five-O,” one had to wear a Hawaiian shirt, drink large quantities of beer and be prepared to scream “Book ‘em, Dano” at the climactic moment.

(Colleague Patrick Goldstein informs me that Northwestern’s version of “Five-O” involved reruns of “The Danny Thomas Show.” Each time the eternally coffee-drinking Thomas spewed out a mouthful--an action usually provoked by some member of the family--viewers spewed out beer or whatever liquid they each carried in their own coffee cups.)

Then there was the “Bob” club, inspired by the ‘70s incarnation of “The Bob Newhart Show” with Newhart and Suzanne Pleshette. Beer, again, was a crucial ingredient which participants were required to chug each time any character on the show said, “Bob.”

Then for a few years I had better things to do--until “Miami Vice” turned into a parody of itself earlier this season. Every Friday, a group of regulars gathered in front of the tube and the games began again.

We played “Where’s the Plot?” and “Scream the Color Scheme,” but soon a semblance of plot returned, we ran out of new words for pastel blues and pinks . . . and many in the group stopped watching.

Now, each week my boyfriend Dick, my cat Dashiell and I play a new--and my most favorite to date--”Miami Vice” diversion: the “Pal” game. Before the show starts, players must guess how many times Don Johnson (Sonny Crockett) will say “pal” (pronounced “pa-aah-aah-aahl,” with throat tightly constricted) during the show. (Dashiell the cat guesses by flicking his tail in annoyance when we badger him for his predictions.) The closest guess wins.

Now, Don used to say “pal” a lot , sometimes as much as nine times a show (his Pepsi commercials don’t count), and the competition was fierce. Then he quit smoking.

Was it just coincidence that his “pal” rate diminished as well? Maybe it didn’t sound as good coming from an un-tobacco-ravaged throat.

Nevertheless, the rerun season should bring that “pal” rate back up and give “Miami Vice” regulars a chance to play. I’m about to give up. Dashiell has won three consecutive times with guesses of three, three and five, and he’s getting cocky. And Dick’s been cheating by copying Dashiell’s answers after bribing him with catnip.

Fans of other shows should have enough information by now to devise games of their own. For instance:

“Hill Street Blues”: The “Mick’s Nickname” game. What new description will Mick Belker use to describe his collar-of-the week (Dog Breath, Hairball, etc.). Any monikers not used at the end of the show could be mailed as suggestions and a grand prize awarded to any player whose nickname is barked on a future show.

“Dynasty”: How many costume changes will Joan Collins make per episode? Or calculate a sweetness scale and rate Linda Evans.

“St. Elsewhere”: The “Erlich Maneuver” game: Will hapless doc Erlich (Ed Begley Jr.) get bawled out by Dr. Craig or make a tactless remark to a female (or both) during the episode?

“Cheers”: How many people will visit Sam’s office during each episode? Professional bartenders watching might prefer to calculate the exact amount of Diane and Carla’s tips based on the drinks they serve per show.

“The Cosby Show”: At what exact time will Bill Cosby make that stupid squinched-up face? Beginners can select five-minute increments; pros must calculate to the second.

And, of course, sports fans may prefer to count the number of times during any CBS sports event commentator Brent Musburger says, “Of course.”