Spotting Trends: Cycling Could Very Well Be Sport of the ‘90s

Admittedly, my track record reveals a certain slowness in spotting trends. I finally bought a wok last year, and then only because my fondue pot suffered heat fatigue. I never jogged until this summer, promptly tore the cartilage in my left knee and now face the choice of either having arthroscopic surgery or weighing 230 pounds by Tuesday.

So what it comes down to is that I’m asking you to trust me on this one: Cycling will be the sport of the ‘90s. (It can’t be the sport of the ‘80s because soccer is the sport of the ‘80s. You do remember soccer, right? It’s played throughout Europe, South America and parts of Montgomery County, Md.)

I know cycling is going to be big because so many of the same people I saw jogging five years ago are cycling now. Their expressions are still pained, but now their shorts are longer.

I suspect walking will become the sport of the early 2000s. By then walking will be all that the runners and cyclists of today will be able to do--walk and play shuffleboard. The spiritual capital for participatory sports will be a row of condominiums in West Fort Lauderdale. But I digress.

We’re here to talk about cycling, bigger than ever now that Greg LeMond has won the Tour de France. Isn’t that a great sound, Tour de France ? Let it roll around your tongue like the first shimmering spoonful of chocolate mousse. What a great headline: LeMond Captures Tour de France. It would lose something here, wouldn’t it? Krzyzewski Wins Tour de Poughkeepsie.

Since LeMond is such an integral part of the sport of the ‘90s (as Pele was to soccer, Frank Shorter to running and Nanook of the North to biathlon), there are some things I’d like to know about him. How many times did he see “Breaking Away,” and whom did he like best, Cyril or Moocher? Is LeMond his real name or did he change it from Lemon when he went to live and train in Europe? And that coveted yellow shirt they give the leader after each stage of the Tour, is that the same shirt each evening? Do they at least wash it between stages?

There are two kinds of bicycle races: Road races and track races. The track races are divided into sprints and pursuits. They all confuse me, and I never know who wins. I can’t tell the difference between the overall leader and the stage leader. I can’t tell the difference between the team leader and the individual leader.

All I know is that in road races you stand still and get one look at them as they go by, and in track races they go around and around like record albums. After a month or so they declare a winner, and my advice is to just listen to the national anthems and look for a flag you recognize.

Track races are held at a velodrome. (You may remember watching the cycling from the outdoor velodrome at the 1984 L.A. Olympics. But how many of our medalists can you name? Let’s see. Mark Gorski and Connie Carpenter Phinney and Alexi Grewal and Steve Hegg and Nelson Vails, the bicycle messenger from New York City, and Pee-Wee Herman.)

Most people think that “velodrome” stems from the French word “velo,” meaning bike. Some, however, think the word comes from “velour,” which covered the seat on Ricardo Montalban’s bike, or from the Shakespearean play, “Ovello,” a little-known work about a Moorish bicycle designer and his trusted companion, Yago, who invented sangria.

Personally, I miss the six-day bicycle races they used to hold in the old Madison Square Garden. They were the marathon dancing of cycling. (They shoot balloon tires, don’t they?) If I remember correctly, there were two-man teams, and the riders switched off, but the rule was that the bike had to be continuously pedaled for either six straight days or eternity. The Garden was always sold out and nobody inside spoke English. Years later, they moved it outdoors and called it the NASL.

I should tell you cycling is not cheap. That red Schwinn you had as a kid, the one with the streamers coming out of the handlebars and the wicker grocery basket in front, the whole deal went for 40, 45 bucks. You can get that now in a 10-speed racer without the streamers or basket (they’re part of the optional “nerd package”) for about $15,000.

Of course, you’ll need some of those swell wet-suit shorts. You wear shorts so your pant legs don’t get caught in the chain, silly. Other colors are available, but racers only wear black. Keep that in mind if you’re the cycling equivalent of a ho-dad: A surfer who brings a board to the beach but doesn’t go near the water (pretty bitchin of me to remember that one, huh?).

You’ll also need one of those short-brimmed, puffy bike beanies, too. A word to the wise: Get a painter’s cap for 39 cents and shave the brim. And shirts. Can’t forget shirts. Bicycle racing shirts are interesting. They have no pockets in the front and three in the back. This is fine for people sitting behind you on the bicycle, but not so good for you unless you have reversible elbows.

You’re not done yet. There are shoes to wear, especially constructed so you can literally lock yourself into the pedals, something you may come to regret if you need to call a locksmith so you can use the bathroom.