The Answer Man Comes Up With a Quais-Response

Dear Answer Man . . .

The majority of the faculty at SMU recently submitted a petition calling for “the immediate, unconditional and permanent abolition of quasi-professional athletics at this university.” What action did the school’s board of trustees take on the petition?

They promised to put an immediate end to that “quasi” stuff.

I’m a big auto racing fan, but I’m tired of the same old guys winning the big races. Any hot up-and-coming drivers out there I can keep an eye on?

You might want to watch out for Michael Irvin, who is flashing some unusual driving skill. He’s a sophomore wide receiver at Miami University. After a recent campus argument, Irvin allegedly drove his car over the feet of two law students.

I understand Clipper center Benoit Benjamin, still 20 pounds overweight, is out of action with fluid on the knee. Any more word on his condition?

The Clippers just received the results of lab tests. The fluid turned out to be gravy.

Who’s the toughest guy in sports?

My vote goes to the referee at last Saturday’s USC-Notre Dame football game. When CBS screwed up and cut away to a commercial as Notre Dame was lining up to try a do-or-die field goal, the CBS representative on the field pleaded with the ref to hold up the game until the commercial was over. His request was denied and CBS looked silly, missing the big play of the game. Considering the enormous power television wields in sports, this was an incredibly courageous stand. Incidentally, that officiating crew has been notified it will no longer be assigned to work college football games on the North American continent.

After Miami quarterback Vinny Testaverde wiped out on his motor scooter, did the Miami coach forbid him to ride it again?

Coach Jimmy Johnson runs a loose ship there at Miami. How loose? Well, Johnson was the navigator aboard the Titanic. Seriously, Johnson allowed Testaverde to keep his motor scooter, but Vinny is now the only Heisman Trophy candidate riding a vehicle with training wheels.

Antoni Niemczak, the Polish runner who finished second in the New York Marathon, tested positive for anabolic steroids. He claims he had dental surgery two weeks before the race, suffered complications, and the dentist gave him a shot, “Something to make me stronger.” Do you buy this explanation?

I have no reason to question Niemczak’s honesty. However, I think he should have been suspicious when, in the two weeks after the shot, he gained 20 pounds of solid muscle in his gums.

Is it true that the players on a certain World Series team are chipping in for the legal defense of a guy who pulled a crazy stunt that could have had tragic consequences?

Are you referring to the Mets hiring a lawyer to defend the man who parachuted into Shea Stadium, or to the Red Sox hiring a lawyer to defend John McNamara for playing Bill Buckner?

The Chicago Bulls are like an entry in the Iditarod race--a team of dogs, with one driver. Michael Jordan is forced to carry the entire offensive load, and is also asked to play aggressive defense. Yet he continues to play with enthusiasm and score like crazy, leaping and bounding over the heads of mere mortals. Isn’t Jordan smart enough to realize the ultimate futility of the situation?

Michael Jordan is an extremely bright young man. He knows the situation. He simply chooses to ignore the gravity.

This drug stuff is getting out of hand. The latest scandal involves 15 athletes--2 Americans, 5 Soviets, 5 Poles and 3 Bulgarians--banned for 30 months by the International Modern Pentathlon Federation for use of sedatives before a shooting competition. Will any of these athletes appeal the suspension?

My sources tell me they all will appeal, as a group. In a somewhat unusual coincidence, the morning of the competition in question all 15 of the athletes had dental appointments.

I say it’s the spread of illegal drugs. My friend says it’s the increasing violence in all sports. What would you say is the most potentially explosive situation in sports today?

The most potentially explosive situation is Benoit Benjamin, sidelined and unable to work out because of a bad knee, heading into the holiday eating season.