YULE NEVER BELIEVE THESE FANTASIES

What a wonderful time of year this is. The only problem is that there aren’t enough good holiday TV specials to celebrate the season.

As usual, there’s too much reliance on the tried, true and threadbare. Everyone in the business is afraid to take chances or try new ideas.

Here are some they won’t be able to resist, though.

-- “Christmas Toygate” : A Yule political thriller. The Iran arms scandal has soured Congress on sending more aid to Nicaragua’s anti-Sandinista rebels. Disguised as Santas, members of the National Security Council break into toy stores at Christmas and ship the weapons to the contras .

--”Sandinista Claus” : Another political thriller, as the Nicaraguan government hatches an insidious plot to infiltrate the contras by sending in Santas to hear their gift requests at Christmas.

--”Frosty, the Snow, Man” : A slightly different twist to one of the classics. Don’t let the button eyes, corncob pipe and vacant expression fool you. This time Frosty turns out to be dealing cocaine. Netted in one of Geraldo Rivera’s live drug busts, he melts before he can be charged.

--”Mr. & Mrs. Claus” : Santa and the Mrs. make a shrewd career move. They lay off the elves and open a private detective agency, solving difficult cases while drinking martinis and exchanging sophisticated patter.

--”Marcus Elfby, M.D.” : One of Santa’s elves has graduated from medical school and has a nice practice in Dayton. But a Medicare scandal threatens his career.

--”How the Grinch Almost Stole Hanukkah” : The thirst for evil is unquenchable. Not satisfied with ripping off Christmas, the Grinch tries to steal Hanukkah, but is beaten to a pulp by bat-wielding members of the Jewish Defense League.

--”Rudolf the Red” : Everyone’s favorite reindeer gets involved with left-wingers plotting to radicalize the North Pole. You know how it is, youthful exuberance and all that. He’ll grow out of it.

--”A Christmas Salami on Rye” : Warm and festive. Scrooge, Tiny Tim and Tommy Tune open a delicatessen. And guess who keeps beefing about overhead?

--”Make My Holiday” : Having difficulty grasping the season’s spirit, Clint Eastwood gets trigger-happy when he doesn’t get the new missile launcher he wanted for Christmas.

--”I’m Dreaming of a Vanna White Christmas” : You’ll be tapping your toes and singing along when the electrifying “Wheel of Fortune” star flips word cards as accompaniment to your favorite Christmas carols.

--”Perry and Ozzy--Home for the Holidays” : The magical pairing of everyone’s favorite Perry Como and rock madman Ozzy Osbourne in a program of holiday music that will move you to tears. Highlights: Perry singing “Jingle Bells.” Ozzy singing “Paranoid.” Special guest stars: the Dead Kennedys and Jimmy Swaggart.

--”Hold It, Buster” : Just zany fun. It’s Christmas Eve and Santa is about to climb into his sleigh for his annual toy delivery when Mrs. Claus notices that he has ring around the collar. Wouldn’t you know that she brings the big guy back inside and makes him remove his red suit to give it a quick sudsing and drying with the rest of the wash? And wouldn’t you know that she inadvertently uses the wrong detergent, the colors run and Santa’s suit comes out green? And don’t you know that this is the last time that she’ll run out to the sleigh on Christmas Eve and say, “Hold it, buster”?

--”Christmas Nightmares of the Rich and Famous” : Science fiction. A movie star goes to bed Christmas Eve and has a series of hideous dreams. In the most shocking of these, he rushes downstairs in the morning to greet his family around the tree, but instead finds Robin Leach there with a camera crew.

--”Elfing for Dollars” : A perfect sports special for the holidays, as skilled participants win rich purses by lobbing elves at bowling pins.