There Might Be Only One List of This Kind
Ten people who could outcoach Bo Schembechler in a Rose Bowl:
--The UCLA coach.
--The Washington coach.
--The Washington State coach.
--The Stanford coach.
--The Cal coach.
--The Oregon coach.
--The Oregon State coach.
--The Arizona State coach.
--The Arizona coach, whoever he is.
--The USC coach, who used to be the Arizona coach.
Ten people who were considered for the USC coaching job before Larry Smith :
--Hayden Fry.
--Jimmy Johnson.
--O.J. Simpson.
--Arnold Palmer.
--Oprah Winfrey.
--ALF.
--The Arizona assistant coach.
--The Arizona strength coach.
--The Golden Child.
--Gene Mauch.
(But not Schembechler.)
Ten reasons why Hayden Fry was willing to leave Iowa :
--Some irate booster stuck an ear of corn in his tailpipe.
--He only had 19 years left on his contract.
--He already had been turned down for the Iowa State job.
--He thought he’d finally have a chance to win the Rose Bowl.
--He still hadn’t had a chance to get to Disneyland.
--He mistakenly thought it was the University of South Carolina job that was open.
--He heard Steven Spielberg directed USC’s game films.
--He heard that USC played at the Coliseum, and he had never been to Italy.
--He was tired of attending Iowa City cocktail parties (both of them).
--He was eager to escape the Big Ten, now that Northwestern’s so much better.
Ten teams the L.A. Clippers might be able to beat :
--Penn State.
--Moses Malone and any four guys from Petersburg, Va.
--USA Today’s top-ranked high school team.
--The Australian Kookaburras.
--The New Jersey Nets’ second-string.
--USA Today’s bottom-ranked high school team.
--The Hungarian national team.
--The Hartford Whalers.
--Loyola. (Any Loyola.)
--Any intra-squad opponent.
Ten reasons why Miami was beaten in the Fiesta Bowl:
--Jimmy Johnson couldn’t get his headphones over his hair.
--Miami couldn’t adjust to the change of climate.
--Nobody reminded Vinny Testaverde that his receivers were the ones wearing the same color jersey he was.
--Miami players were more concerned about State Pen than Penn State.
--Those games against Northern Illinois, Cincinnati and East Carolina had worn the poor Hurricanes to a frazzle.
--Joe Paterno had phoned his good friend God before the game for a scouting report.
--The Fiesta Bowl had only promised Miami $2.4 million to play, not to play well.
--The only thing a team from Coral Gables can beat a team from State College in is synchronized swimming.
--The players left their steroids in their other pants.
--Miami will never win another bowl game until it joins the Pac-10.
Ten ways the Cleveland Browns can make it to the Super Bowl:
--By bus.
--By airplane, assuming airplanes service Cleveland.
--If Mark Moseley can make at least half of his tries from inside the five.
--If they can just stop high-fiving long enough to remember to show up for the AFC championship game.
--If free tickets were promised to any player who can spell the coach’s name.
--Bernie Kosar must refuse Jimmy Johnson’s phone calls.
--Any time Kosar calls a pass play inside the five, Kevin Mack and Curtis Dickey must hit him hard in the face with their fists.
--The people of Cleveland must come to life, which is not particularly easy to do in Cleveland.
--If the New England Patriots provide the opposition, the Browns must absolutely insist upon pregame drug testing.
--Free tickets go to anybody who realizes that Schottenheimer is not the Cincinnati Reds’ owner’s dog.
Ten things William (The Refrigerator) Perry didn’t eat this season:
--Penn State.
--Soldier Field.
--His house.
--Tomorrow’s six meals.
--A sack of quarterbacks.
--Dexter Manley.
--The Fiesta Bowl.
--The Fiesta Platter.
--Artificial turf.
--Artificial surf ‘n’ turf.
Ten New Year’s resolutions by Bill Parcells of the New York Giants:
--Buy a hat.
--Buy an umbrella.
--Fill Harry Carson’s helmet with chocolate pudding.
--Say something interesting for a change.
--Hire Mike Ditka’s writers.
--Wonder how a team with Joe Morris and without William Perry can call itself the Giants.
--Monitor Lawrence Taylor’s off-season whereabouts at all times.
--Wonder how a team that plays in New Jersey can call itself New York.
--Borrow Phil Simms’ bottle of peroxide.
--Make sure San Francisco doesn’t try again to steal a team called the New York Giants.
Ten reasons why Tampa Bay should not bother drafting Vinny Testaverde: --Because he probably will play baseball anyway.
--Because with what Ray Perkins will be making, there won’t be any money left.
--Because Tampa Bay needs 45 new players, not one.
--Because Testaverde is thinking about staying at Miami to attend a class, just to see what it’s like.
--Because Perkins wants to draft Mike Shula anyway.
--Because the Buccaneers would be better off taking Brian Bosworth, who hasn’t been permitted to play any football in Florida lately.
--Because after talking to Dwight Gooden, Testaverde has decided Indianapolis might not be so bad.
--Because knowing the Buccaneers, they probably would go right out and trade Steve Young, who would lead his new team to the Super Bowl.
--Because the Fiesta Bowl has offered Testaverde $2.4 million to come back next year.
--Because in exchange for that first-round pick, the Raiders might be willing to part with Rusty Hilger.
Two reasons why the Chicago Bears couldn’t repeat as champions this season:
--Jim McMahon got hurt.
--Jay Schroeder didn’t.
Go beyond the scoreboard
Get the latest on L.A.'s teams in the daily Sports Report newsletter.
You may occasionally receive promotional content from the Los Angeles Times.